dannyandallison.com

New Web site is live

2010-01-09T13:11:00.002-05:00

Yeah! The new Web site is up and running. Please visit us there and mark it as a favorite.

www.dannyandallison.com

I won't be updating the blog here at blogspot any longer, but at the Web site. Danny even has a blog on there too.

Visit now for new news!

Speaking of new

2009-11-24T16:17:00.002-05:00

I have lots of new things to share, but be patient.

As I've mentioned, we're working on a new Web site and in order for the blogs to connect to the new site, I have to write them through it.

And, because the site is waiting on me to finish up the writing to go live, it's taking longer than I'd hoped.

Beat me and flog me, but I'm hoping to finish it all up this weekend.

Everything is going well though and I can't wait to share all the new leaves we've turned.

Happy Thanksgiving!

New leaves

2009-10-12T15:56:00.006-04:00

Honestly, I started a post a month ago and have kept adding to it and adding to it, but it's never felt complete. So, I'll start over. I will turn over a new leaf.

In more than one way, I want to turn over a new leaf.

No more Debbie Downer. No more ignoring me. No more battling what God isn't doing, rather teaming up with Him to do battle against what Satan is trying and failing to do. No more OCD behavior.

I know I've talked about this before, but I feel like I've lost myself in many ways and I'm tired of just making it by, of just hoping things come together alright and walking out the door.

It's time to Spring Clean, this fall. Take the old and make it new.

I cut my hair, shorter and sassier and it's more red. I can do it up different ways and it takes me less time.

My clothes; they need a facelift too. I'm tired of staring at my closet and just putting something on that matches. Where did this proclaimed fashion police go to? I go in and put something on because I have to, but there aren't those things that make you feel good, feel beautiful. I know you women know what I'm talking about. Those outfits that make you walk a bit taller with a bit more confidence because you know it looks good on you; that is what I'm talking about. I don't have that anymore.

It's not that I don' t have nice clothes, but almost like I don't know what to do with them anymore to make them fabulous. My fashionista touch is gone, along with my own needs.

If I spend money on clothes, it's for Danny or for Corbin because in my strange mind, it's justified if it's for them. If I buy something for me, I'm ridden with guilt. I have buyer's remorse and then I don't enjoy it.

The reality is, that I deserve to feel beautiful. We all do, no matter what murky water we have to trudge through our day. At least, we'll look nice doing it.

It's time to turn a new leaf, a new style, a new me.

I throw my hands up in the air and give it all up to God. I don't want it anymore. I don't want the stress, the drama, the responsibility, none of it. I'm done. I quit.

And, you know what? God can do it. He will do it. He has and He does.

Not for my own glory, but for His.

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I often get aggravated with Danny for not seeing himself as "worth" his healing. I get tired of the victim mentality. It's a downer. Nobody likes to be around a downer.

But, you know what? When I really take a moment to reflect, I am the same as he is, just different characters in the same play; different leaves on the same dying branch.

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We laugh because otherwise you'll cry all the time. And, most of the time, Corbin is our entertainer.

For instance, how do boys inherently know that bodily functions are funny? My little four year old angel comes out of his room and says "hey, guys. look at this." raises his hip and promptly poots, and then bursts out in full on belly laughter. This only pales in comparison to the hilarity of trying to stick his bum in my face and pooting which adds tears of laughter to the mix.

I laugh too. Just because I'm a mom and in a tough spot, do I have to be so serious?

Corbin had me and Danny dying in laughter the other night too. Corbin was in the bath, doing what all boys do when they're naked; grabbing the goods. He suddenly tells me that he has beans in his bean bag. Did I hear him correctly? I look at Danny like "did you teach him that?" and all Danny can do is not laugh himself out of his wheelchair. Meanwhile, I'm trying not to laugh too hard so as not to encourage Corbin to repeat this anywhere.

Won't Corbin love me sharing all these stories when he's entering adolescence? Or at his rehearsal dinner? Isn't that going to be fun?

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I don't want to cry. I don't want to fight. I don't want to ask myself if I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to spend any more time giving Satan the pleasure of putting this cloud over our lives.

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I'm glad that Danny lived

I'm glad that Corbin is healthy

I'm glad that Corbin loves his Daddy so much that he doesn't see a wheelchair

I'm glad that we have parents that love us just shy of only what God can

I'm glad that people find it in their hearts to give their hard earned money to Danny's recovery

I'm glad that I don't have to feed Danny through a tube, but that we can all sit down at the table and eat together

I'm glad to hear Corbin tell Danny that he loves him, out of the blue

I'm glad that Corbin doesn't remember the really dark, hard times

I'm glad that I can sleep next to my husband, even if I have to wake up with him during the night, he's still there

I'm glad that we've gained friends that love us in spite of the hardships

I'm glad that my husband is a fighter, for himself and for his family

I'm glad that strangers offer assistance because they see a need

I'm glad that I don't get so uptight about having to wait in line; there are just some things more important in life

I'm glad that when I doubt, when I feel lost and I cry out, God answers

I'm glad there are seasons in life and we can turn our leaves

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"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them." Psalm 126:2

Drawing a blank

2009-09-02T15:53:00.006-04:00

Seriously, I am drawing a blank. It's like there is so much in my head, but only a small opening to which it can gush out of there. So, what comes out first? It's all churning and turning, like the lottery numbers, not sure what is going to eventually spit out at you.

Perhaps I should start with some basics? Basic. Basic. Basic? Yea, still drawing a blank on what is basic in our life. Everything is colored with that black crayon; all the shapes and outlines look normal and familiar, but there is no color.

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Well, Corbin is the Crayola Crayon box of light in our lives and that sweet boy started school this week.

He seemed to have a good first day; however, he did confess to a single time out visit before we were even out of the parking lot. Guilty conscience, I guess. Apparently, he and one of the new boys were chasing each other during circle time. You have to watch out for those new kids.

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Additionally, Corbin and I vacated GA for a week and headed west to AZ before school started. It was nice to be with family and it was even better to see Corbin play until exhaustion with his cousins; all boys! I will spare you pictures of me in a bathing suit, but here are a few shots from our trip.

Corbin finally letting go of the wall and getting in open water. Nothing like a little healthy peer/cousin pressure.

My nephews and Corbin. Even without the matching hair cuts, I think they definitely can't deny their genes.

Dad and I took Corbin and B to Peter Piper for bad pizza and fun games. B actually took this picture of us.

Mom and I took a cooking class together which was a lot of fun.

Corbin adores his Papa and often uses missing him as an excuse for bad behavior. It's so funny to me how he inherently figures out how to pull the strings. Corbin gets in trouble, he is crying/whining and says "I just miss Grammy and Papa." The first time he said it, I burst out laughing.

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As expected, Danny survived while we were gone, although I know he missed us. He continues to make improvements in therapy and has even transitioned some of those to the home.

While we were in AZ, Danny's mom called to tell me that he'd done something new at home. Apparently, he got the notion that he wanted to try to hold onto the bar in the kitchen and stand up to stretch his legs and back. He didn't tell anyone what he was doing until the last moment and wound up standing for about four minutes at the counter. I love it when he takes initiative.

However, I wasn't too thrilled when last night while I was tucking Corbin back into bed, he decided to try to stand up out of his chair. No one around, no walker or anything else to hold on to; he was practically upright when I walked back into our room. The only body part touching his wheelchair was his hands on the wheels. Thankfully, after a mild slip into mothering him, did he realize that wasn't the best idea, but he just wanted to see if he could do it.

What he did do today though was big news! In therapy, he climbed up and down a flight of stairs twice. A grand first and according to Candy, a "good day for Big D."

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Speaking of Candy, I have to mention how well the filming went for the promotional video. The interviews with Dr. Kaelin and Candy went better than expected and I am trying to figure out how they're going to whittle down the footage. My interview went okay to me, perfect to them, but it was very difficult and I just hope I conveyed all that I really wanted to. Danny and I also had a joint interview which went well considering Danny has always hated to have his picture taken, which is exaggerated now. He is shy about talking sometimes because he doesn't think people can understand him and at times, it takes him a while to get a thought out of his mouth. However, he did well and it should be good for you all to hear a bit from him too.

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We're finalizing our logo now and then work will be done for the Web site. I'm really excited to debut it all to you and hopefully raise some awareness, some funds and have fun in the process.

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Speaking of fun and funds, we're having another golf tournament next month, October 19th at Bridgemill Country Club. We're finalizing the flyer and on line registration now, as we're having to have the NTAF folks approve it for contributors' tax deduction purposes. Once that is complete, I'll include the link above in the "Mark Your Calendars" section.

Also, if you ride or know someone that does, Killer Creek Harley Davidson is holding their 3rd Annual Beau Memorial Ride with all proceeds going to Danny. It will be held on Sunday, October 25th and registration begins at 4pm. You can find details above and on the sidebar.

We hope you all will try to attend one of these events or you can always donate via our NTAF Web site. Information is at the bottom of this page.

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I'd like to ask you all to pray for me. Lately, I have felt like I'm at my wit's end and have begun questioning life and God a lot. None of this really makes any sense to me; why this happened or what we're supposed to do with it or how long is this going to last? Will it end on earth or in heaven? Can I make it? As I said in my previous post, there are always more questions than there are answers. Going into Year Five, I think I feel very helpless and am beginning to have to push away thoughts of doubt. Doubt of what? Everything. I know God is here and has been. I know He has a plan and He has Promises, but how does that translate into my life? My faith waivers and yet through praise I am bolstered only to have the bottom fall out again. I'm tired of the cycle, the rollercoaster, the unknown. I want to be smack dab in the middle of God's will and I need and am ready for Him to reveal His purpose so we can be used for His glory. I'm done with this chapter and want to move on to the next, so what's the hold up?

I'm still drawing a blank.

Faulty Four Years

2009-08-17T10:52:00.015-04:00

From this........

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I swing between being pumped up and encouraged, to the rug being pulled out from under me.

Four years. Y-E-A-R-S. I'm not talking about how many years me and Danny have been married. I lost Danny four years ago yesterday, actually, I lost him before that or we lost each other.

Without going into any detail, let's just say that while our lives may have appeared like Stepford Dreams, it wasn't on the inside of our relationship. I'm not sure I've shared that in a wide audience. It almost feels like admitting to plastic surgery or some kind of addiction; admitting a weakness.

Life was confusing during the months leading up the accident and the accident only added more questions to the docket. Questions that will forever go unanswered. The only man that could resolve our issues, for lack of another term, died. Danny remembers nothing of that time period.

I'm sure it's confusing to him to listen to actual events that he has no recollection of. It must sound like I'm describing someone else's life. I can't imagine how it feels to have missed these four years, but in reality, Danny has more missing pieces to deal with.

He remembers being married to me, but doesn't remember our wedding. He knows and recalls our house, but doesn't remember the thousands of dollars and man hours we put in ourselves renovating it. He knows his motorcycle, but has no memory of customizing it and honestly, has no memory of what it feels like to ride. Makes me wonder how he knows what he is missing, but that is a blog for another day.

This weekend, we attended my cousin's wedding. Weddings always get to me, but especially post accident. It takes me back to my own wedding, to when we were naive and relatively trouble free to what was coming in a bit more than three years later. We were on top of the world, madly in love and stepping out to an exciting future. I didn't want this type of excitement.

I look at pictures of our wedding and even ones of us dating and just before D-day; it rips me apart. One world, one life coming to an abrupt end. It wasn't just a minor interruption, or a delay. We're talking the end of good dreams to the waking of nightmares. I just want to wake up.

Every wedding we attend, down in my gut and in the voice I try to ignore, I ask myself if this couple really knows what they could potentially be getting into. No one ever thinks that a young couple could experience this type of tragedy, really. This couldn't possibly happen to this kind of couple, at this time in their lives, but it did and it does happen. Not just to us, but to others. Like Matt and Liz Logelin and their daughter, Maddie(Follow their story at http://www.mattlogelin.com/) Liz died the same day Maddie was born and Matt was at once, a new dad and a widower. I can't imagine having to celebrate your daughter's birthday and also mourn your wife on the same day. Reading his story makes me thankful in many ways, primarily because Corbin will know his dad in his flesh, not in mere photos.

Many of you comment on how strong I am or must be to endure. I can only respond that it is not me for I am weak except with the strength of the Lord. I am instantly whooshed back to college and sorority induction when I had to memorize scripture; all of which sustain me today for different reasons.

I Corinthians 13, also known as the Love Chapter.

Speaking of love....I Corinthians 13:7, 8

"It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

John 3:30

"He must become greater; I must become less."

II Corinthians 12:9, 10

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Many times Danny asks me questions about August 16, 2005; how did so-and-so find out about it, who was there first, who all came to the hospital, etc.

Below, I have posted excerpts from a letter I wrote to Danny about that day, from my prospective. I have taken out names for identity issues and have removed some lines. I know this is a personal letter to Danny, but it will give you all a perspective on where life was that day. It took me weeks to write it as it was like reliving each excruciating moment.

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My Dearest Danny,

August 16, 2005 is a day that is forever scorched into my memory. I remember smells, sounds, sights and overwhelming sadness and shock.

As you know I was in Arizona working in my new job, but also working to come back home to you. Life was so confusing during that time; do we stay or do we go? Our marriage was upside-down and I was in the dark to what was really happening in GA and in your mind, in your heart. I felt alone and frustrated, confused and a longing for an end to it all. I desperately needed to get to you, but felt so far away and felt there was something keeping me from finding you; a separation of sorts.

That awful day that set our lives on a new course, I was wearing a purple, short-sleeved shirt that barely covered by growing belly and cropped khaki colored XL maternity pants. My shoes were one size too big and in a wide width. I was huge and hot. I had a fan under my desk in my cubicle to keep me cooler.

I spoke to you that morning about 10:45am local time (1:45pm in GA). I had called your cell phone and you got a call on the land line while I was on the phone. You told me to hold and answered the phone. I’m not sure who it was, but I distinctly remember you telling whomever that you had the “old lady” on the other line. You quickly came back on the line with me and told me you would need to call me back. I told you I was headed to lunch shortly and I would be back at my desk about 11:30am.

......My Nextel beeped and I immediately thought it was you, but “Jonathan” came up on the screen. I thought it odd that he’d call me during the day especially since he’d not done it before, but then I thought maybe it was something to do with the boys. Kari was out of town at training and perhaps he needed me.

I thought it odd too, that he asked me where my office was located. I gave him the cross streets; 96th and Shea Blvd. “Why?” I asked. He told me he was coming to pick me up and take me to the airport and put me on a plane. Split second thoughts were that he was a. kidding or b. hurrying up our plan to have me home by the end of the week. As you know, it was neither of those choices.

He told me that you’d been in a motorcycle accident and that it was serious. You were in the hospital and I needed to get back to Georgia. Shockingly, I was calm enough to tell him exactly where to pick me up and told him I’d meet him outside.

I hung up with Jonathan and asked ____ to come over to my cube and quickly. The tears started to come and I couldn’t breathe; I’m sure there wasn’t much color to my face. I turned from her and began riffling through my desk draws to get anything that I couldn’t live without, all the while telling her that you’d been in an accident and I had to go and wouldn’t be coming back. I took a deep breath and one last look around my desk, grabbing our engagement picture in the Lam Lee frame that you bought me; the one with the heart on top with the wings. Ironically, when I got to Atlanta and pulled the frame out of my purse, one of the wings was broken. It remains that way to this day, on my desk.

.......Jonathan arrived and talked to ____ and asked her to let security know that someone would be coming by to pick up my car later that day. I hugged her neck, thanking her for everything and climbed in the car.

Let the madness begin. Jonathan was on the phone with Dwayne who was trying to find me a non-stop flight to Atlanta that had a seat on it. Meanwhile, I’m trying to figure out what the hell is going on with you. Jonathan hung up and I started to cry, to sob really. I asked him if he would hold my hand and he did; my big, strong brother held my sweaty hand and squeezed.

He calmly reminded me that I needed to hold it together, that I couldn’t do anything for you in Arizona, but I could and had to take care of our son. Deep breaths. I was on the phone with Dad who was trying to sound composed; details of your injury were sketchy as they were still working on you. Broken pelvis. Internal bleeding. Broken ribs. And, the head injury. Dad didn’t offer the doctor’s prognosis and I didn’t ask, didn’t want to hear it honestly. I was scared and felt even more isolated, except for one thing; Baby Corbin.

I told Dad that I wanted to make sure there was a bed for me in your room that I wanted to stay with you. Also, I wanted to make sure that there was someone there that could check my blood pressure and make sure our son was hanging in there alright. Dad cried, “Oh, Baby. You can’t stay with him because he’s in ICU.” I didn’t understand how serious it all was then; how dramatically life was changing.

I got off the phone with Dad and immediately called D. I got her voicemail and kept calling until she answered finally on the fourth try. I told her that you were at North Fulton Regional Hospital after a motorcycle accident with a head injury. I asked her to call Doc and ask him if you were at the best place for your injuries. Surprisingly, it wasn’t long before she called me back to assure me that you were at one of the best hospitals for head injuries and she was already on her way to the hospital. She was still there when I came in after 2am.

..........I took to packing which wasn’t easy either. What do I take? I can’t take it all. How long will I be there? Am I coming back? I wound up packing work clothes thinking I would need to work as long as I could so we’d have some income coming in. Funny looking back on that now as I never went back to work pregnant. I had to buy everyday casual, hospital sitting clothes when I got to Atlanta.

Still packing, I stared into my closet organized by color and style. I wish I could blame you for my OCD problem, but think we just merely exaggerate each others. I scanned the clothes and landed near the back on black. Black pants, black button down shirt, black shirts, black dresses. Black dresses. I packed two with the hope that I wasn’t going to need to wear them to your funeral, a thought that hit me deep in my gut.

.......Aunt S was hovering like a mother would do, but not sure what to do for me. Uncle D was still on the phone and Jonathan was too. Once my bag was packed, I hugged little B’s neck one last time and then D. How do I explain this to D? I asked if he knew why I was having to leave and wouldn’t be coming back. He said “yea, Uncle Danny got hurt on his motorcycle.” It broke my heart to leave those boys when their mom was gone too; knowing that I wasn’t going to be living here, with them, watching them grow up, watching them grow up with Corbin running behind them.

.......When we got to the airport, I checked in and then we all walked to one of the food court areas. Jonathan made me eat something even though I felt like I’d throw it up. He also bought me something to eat for while I was on the plane.

Ironically, well, orchestrated by God, Pastor M, M and others were headed to a conference and were at the airport too. They found us in the food court and they all huddled around me, laid hands on me and prayed for you, for me and for Corbin. It was a bit comforting to me although I didn’t know what I was facing when I got to Atlanta.

It was time for me to get to the gate, where I had to go alone. Jonathan walked me as far as he could go, then stopped and hugged me. There were no words to say and he knew that. He just hugged me, told me he loved me and we walked away from each other.

Leaving Arizona under those circumstances, following all the drama of the past few weeks, knowing that we weren’t coming back and walking away from the dreams of being close to my family, seeing them regularly, vacations together, holidays together, summer barbecues with the kids swimming in the pool; all those dreams vanished into nothingness. No alternate plans, no other dreams, no future, no understanding; just black.

.......I sat on the front row in coach class; alone. There was no one on the whole row; all six seats were empty, but mine. I chose to sit near the window on the right side of the plane and quickly shelled out the $5 for the headphones for the movie; xXx: State of the Union. I had to get my mind on something else otherwise, I’d have gone crazy.

It was honestly, a peaceful flight in that it was quiet, I was alone on my row and I was isolated from what was really happening at home. There was literally nothing I could do but pray and no one could see me crying.

Once the movie was over, we still had about an hour before we were scheduled to land. I stood up and stretched the best I could; tried to move my legs around a bit. There was a nice couple on the other side of the plane, one row back. The woman was obviously sympathetic as to how pregnant I was and traveling. She offered me their pillows, but little did she know that those pillows were not going to comfort what ailed me.

I sat again and looked out the window into the darkness. I had no idea over what state we were, but could see some lights here and there. It was then that I saw this glowing light on the ground, but it was moving with us. I knew there was no way that it was a light of the plane reflecting off the ground. Soon, I realized that it was the moon, high above us reflecting off bodies of water on the ground. The reflection was so regular that it was almost like steps. It was in that glowing light, in the analogy of steps, in the reality that the light was moving with me, that the Light of the Lord shown through to my heart. It was like that Light spoke to my heart and said that He was with me.

Tears came, of course, but I was again trying to stay calm for Corbin. The isolation on the plane just mirrored what I felt in life. ........... It was overwhelming the feeling of the unknown, being alone and yet having Corbin in me; the responsibility falling on me. I can’t really put it into words except to say that it felt like someone had reached into my chest and was twisting my heart back and forth; that someone had knocked the breath out of me and though my stomach was full of baby boy, I felt empty.

Coming up the escalator in the airport to baggage claim, I felt like I was on the path between our old life and some new life waiting for me at the top. There was no turning back time or running back and holding onto what was lost; I had to move forward, move up the stairs. My heart thudded in my chest.

As I crested the top of the escalator, there were three bald men waiting for me. I remember commenting that there were “three of my favorite bald men.” Dad, D and J all came to hug me, take my bags and carry me from the airport. No one spoke a word about you and I didn’t ask, yet. I had no idea if you were alive at that point and I was scared to ask, scared to know what may lie ahead of us, ahead of me.

.......Dad and I in the back seat holding hands. I remember D and J were talking a bunch in the front seat; J even laughed and I remember feeling like he wouldn’t be laughing if you had died. Then I felt okay to ask questions, although to be honest, I don’t remember any conversation in the car though I know Dad told me bits and pieces of what was going on with you at the hospital.

.......However, I remember Dad walking me in the doors and I said something like “I bet the next time you all thought you’d see a Diaz in the hospital, it’d be me giving birth.” I hugged everyone there and thanked them for being there and then I asked Dad where we were going.

It was about 2am and the hospital was very quiet. Dad and I walked alone down the hallway; you could feel everyone watching us and he helped support me along the way. We stopped in front of huge, wooden double doors with the visiting hours posted. 2am did not make the list, but as we entered no one paid us any mind.

The Neuro ICU is in the shape of a half moon; the center being the nurses station and the outer being the patient rooms. You were in the far corner room. We walked around the nurses’ station and towards your doorway. You were facing the window; away from the door. The first things I noticed; the tube coming out of your head, tubes down your nose and a ventilator down your mouth, a neck brace, blood pressure cuff, heart rate monitor on your finger, your left leg in traction (a large weight was hanging off the end of the bed), road rash and lots of it, and dried blood pooled in your ears.

It was overwhelming, but I tried to remain calm. Looking back, I can tell I was in shock and denial and definitely naive to the gravity of the situation. I guess everyone is when they’re entering unfamiliar territory and this was definitely unfamiliar.

The night nurse came in to check your monitor and change your IV bag I believe. For the life of me, I haven’t been able to recall his name, but he was very kind and very thorough. He took off your blood pressure cuff and took mine since I was concerned for me and for Corbin.

Honestly, I don’t remember how long I stayed in the room and what exactly I did while I was there. I think I asked Dad questions about your injuries and what all the tubes were. I believe I talked to you; something to the effect of that I was coming back by the end of the week and that you didn’t have to do this to get me here quicker; a futile try at humor in a scary moment.

I remember walking back towards the waiting room, but don’t really remember stopping. I was so tired and overwhelmed and I knew I needed to rest. I stayed that night and several there after at Mom and Dad’s house. I slept in the bed with Mom while Dad slept in a twin bed in my old room. I didn’t want to be alone. My thoughts were all over the place and it was difficult to rest.

........Honestly, days at the hospitals melted together and I have a hard time specifically recalling each day. It’s more like bits and pieces. T.E. coming by with a cooler of drinks and snacks, Pastor C visiting for the first time with a room full of visitors, Dr. Weaver (neurologist) telling me and your parents that you could die from these injuries….wow, that moment was heavy.

I heard what he said and listened, but my heart couldn’t accept it. Your dad hugged me in the hallway and for a brief moment it felt like you holding me. I remember falling into the wall and sobbing. There was a rush of people coming to my aid and someone got a chair for me to sit. I recall D.M. being there and how sure she was that D would be healed, but he died instead. I cried out to anyone and everyone, “what if God says no? What if He says no?”

With all the unanswered questions about our marriage and then adding all the unanswered questions about your prognosis and our future, a huge weight sat on my chest, on my heart. I truly found out what is meant by heart ache; my heart really ached and there was heaviness to it, a compression to my lungs. Or maybe that was Corbin’s foot wedged underneath. I felt very lost and quite alone.

I went to our house alone and tore through it looking for answers to anything, but all I found were more questions. It was haunting being there and knowing that you wouldn’t be coming back here either. I smelled your clothes, went through draws and shoes and still there was silence. No answers. Just more questions.

And, I guess that is still where we live today. Some questions have been answered, only to be replaced with others. I wish I could tell you why this happened, what our future looks like, what purpose it serves in our lives. I wish I could take away your pain, confusion, frustration and give you back these missing years. I wish I could give you happiness, joy and a positive attitude, but I can’t. I can’t do any of that. But, God can. He can do all of it and more than we could think to ask or imagine.

As we’re here at this fourth anniversary mark, I will make the most of the faithfulness of God. I will put my focus on the laughter we’ve shared, the blessing of Corbin in our lives and the good that has come out of the darkness. I know we’re not out of the wilderness yet. I know there are times that it feels like we’re not moving at all, but I have to put my trust in the Lord for He is good all the time, even when it doesn’t feel good to me, to us.

I would encourage you to first and foremost thank the Lord no matter the circumstances; to praise Him and give Him the glory for what through Him you’ve been able to accomplish. It is only with Him that we have survived. Secondly, be thankful for the many things that you’ve been given following this day four years ago; an absolutely wonderful and healthy son, a renewed confidence in the love and support you have from me, an assurance of the love and support of our families, new and true friends, provision for all life’s needs and blessings beyond our imagination. Thirdly, pray the Lord would begin to reveal to you/us our next steps and the message He would have us deliver. Fourth, forgive yourself, God and any others that you may harbor grudges against. And, finally, LIVE life to the fullest!

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Forgive my lack of updates on Danny's progress at therapy or of how the filming went over the weekend. This is all I could get through today, but I thank God for His faithfulness, for His healing, for His strength, for His Spirit and for His promises. I am nothing, if I do not have Love.

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To this. Praise the Lord!

Brain Dump

2009-08-05T13:10:00.010-04:00

Some interesting facts about traumatic brain injury for you to ponder with your own functioning brain; well, some of you may be fully functioning. For the rest of you, you might want to stop reading. I'm not sure I'm going to put any more pictures.

How many people have TBI?

1.4 million people sustain a TBI each year in the United States. Of those 1.4 million, 50,000 die; 235,000 are hospitalized and 1.1 million are treated and released from the emergency room. The unknown are those that do not seek treatment in an ER or receive no care.

What causes TBI?

The leading causes of TBI are: Falls (28%), Motor vehicle-traffic crashes (20%), Struck by/against events (19%), and Assaults (11%).

What are the costs of TBI?

Direct medical costs and indirect costs such as lost productivity of TBI totaled an estimated $60 Billion in the United States in 2000.

What are the long term consequences of TBI?

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that at least 5.3 million Americans currently have long term or lifelong need for help to perform activities of daily living as a result of a TBI.

According to one study, about 40% of those hospitalized with a TBI had at least one unmet need for services one year after injury. The most frequent unmet needs were: Improving memory and problem solving, Managing stress and emotional upsets, Controlling one's temper and Improving one's job skills.

This information provided by the CDC was updated July 2006.

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Considering I haven't posted since June 23rd, you'd think I have lots to update you on and I do, but it's the same thing, over and over and over again; Danny continues to improve, Corbin continues to grow and I continue. Period. I just continue. More on that later.

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Details. Well, in July we celebrated, a lot. It was Danny's birthday, his brother's and his mother's. Plus, it was his parents anniversary. We celebrated Danny's birthday all week, I swear. Here is a picture of the family on Danny's actual birthday.

Corbin attended many summer camps at his preschool and had an absolute ball. The last week was Dinosaur theme and as he told me, he "ruled the school."

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Danny has continued to improve physically at Beyond Therapy and we are of course, very pleased. He has begun to do some major abdominal exercises; I watch and feel glad it's not me. Although, truth be told, I probably need to get down on the ground with him. I'm also happy to report that on Monday of this week, he walked the length of the gym with his walker, with NO assistance; no one was helping him guide his walker and no one was holding onto his gait belt. However, there were people there just in case he needed help.

He did need help a few weeks ago. Into every one's walking, a little falling must happen too. (By the way, if you know Danny's grandmother, please don't mention Danny falling. We don't need to worry the woman for nothing). Yes, he did fall, but he wasn't hurt. Ironically, he was gaiting with Candy, Super Therapist, when he tripped over the threshold and played Leap Frog with his walker. The fantastic thing is that Danny reacted and put his arms out to break his fall and held his head back. Remember the days when he couldn't even control his head? Anyway, Candy told him it'd probably happen again, just like babies when they're learning and that they'd be practicing falling. Nice. Sounds like fun. I hope I'm not with him that day.

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So, you might be wondering why in the world I titled this post "Brain Dump" and why I started with a bunch of stats. Well, here it comes.

First of all, I've been dumping my brain the last couple months with creative mash. Obviously, none of that energy went towards this blog since I think I OD'd in the other areas. Let me fill you in on what is happening, or what I'm trying to make happen.

Next week, my cousin and her family are heading this way for our other cousin's wedding. Well, on the front end of this trip, T's husband will begin filming for a promotional video of our journey. You can view his work at http://www.thereideffect.com/. He is extremely talented and I'm thrilled to see how you can be brought into our lives a bit more. Anyway, in order to help him out on the front end, I have had to compile pictures and video from the last almost four years. It's kind of hard to do that effectively when the hard drive on your Mac fries and you have to wait for a new one to be installed. I'm not bitter though.

I've also had to come up with a timeline of events since August 2005, an outline for the film and questions for interviews. Brain dumping to the max and it's hard to try to market yourselves. I can come up with a bunch of marketing ideas for other things, but how do I market my own family and our strange trip over the last four years?

And, because our story would not be complete without the addition of Dr. Kaelin and Candy, I had to arrange for interviews through Shepherd's PR department. In doing so, I included our Web site and the blog so that they knew we were for real and not some nut jobs; well, we might be, but our story is real. Nonetheless, Shepherd responded with support of our project and pitched one of their own. They may like to feature our story in one of their upcoming issues of Spinal Column Magazine. Wow! Wouldn't that get our message out to a mass of people? I'm not sure exactly what the message is as right now, it feels like the outbox is full of them.

So, we've got a short promotional film in the works, a potential article to be sent to hundreds of people via Spinal Column, and because of those two things, our Web site needs to be revamped. I want to be able to reference our Web site in both the film and article, but it needs to be one place where people can view everything; not one for old stuff and one blog for new stuff. Plus, I'd like to be able to post the film on the Home Page.

While I'm at it, if we're going to market ourselves, we need a logo. What in the world am I going to use as a logo? Not motorcycles. Not wheelchairs. So, I've come up with an idea, but I still have to touch base with the guy that designed Danny's Southland Choppers logo years ago. Once I have that, then we can build the new Web site around that and then make t-shirts!

Can you see where I've brain dumped myself into creativity? It's become overwhelming, but at the same time, I'm excited to get rolling on all of it.

Film. Print. Internet. T-shirts. Oh, my!

If anyone out there is or knows of someone that does t-shirts for fundraising, please email me at the address on the right side of this page.

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While pulling everything together for the film, reading over past updates, coming up with questions for interviews, even mine, and coming up on the fourth anniversary of the accident; well, it has me in an emotional tizzy.

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Danny walking again will be an overwhelmingly awesome experience; a goal that we once thought was unattainable; evidence of God's glory and of a persevering faith.

However, Danny walking again does not restore his brain, his heart, his soul. Brain dump.

Pointing back to those statistics at the top and those pesky unmet needs, my biggest question for God is when, if are those needs going to be met. I've mentioned this before and I may have painted a small picture of the reality, but there are brief moments when it feels that I don't know the man I live with. I'm not even sure if he knows himself.

Without going into too much detail, so as not to embarrass Danny with things he doesn't remember saying or doing, there are times when Danny gets very agitated that he is out of control. What do I mean by that? Most of the outburst is verbal and the physical part is him trying to leave the situation, whether it be pushing away from the counter or trying to leave the room. Obviously, he gets more frustrated because he can't leave the room or the conversation adding to the problem.

Thankfully, until a couple weeks ago, Corbin had not seen Danny go to what I can only describe as the crazy, psycho place. I know that sounds cruel, but it is truly so out of Danny's character that it feels crazy. Danny was upset with me because I refused to help him do something (he is able to do it himself which is why I refused). He began to yell and physically began to try to push himself away from the sink, and he pushed his legs so hard that the footrests' posts came out of the holes. Hello, crazy, psycho place. Unfortunately, Corbin heard the commotion and drove his little car to the doorway and told Daddy to stop it. Daddy in turn told him to stop. Danny went into his child and I had to quietly reprimand him. He calmed down and did not remember it when I asked him about it later.

But, I bet Corbin does. I do.

Later, I had to have a talk with Corbin about Daddy and his brain. It was something to the effect of because Daddy hurt his brain, sometimes he says and does things that he doesn't mean, but that doesn't mean that Daddy doesn't love you very much. Yeah, that was fun. I just pray on some level that he understands or that God protects him from the memory of those moments. I pray that he sees Daddy for the man that he is, that he wants to be, that he is working to become.

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Folks, we're dealing with a brain injury. There is no healing except that which comes from God and I need your help in praying for Danny's mind. His mind is the source of all that is "off" in him, in his body. I don't know how God's going to do it, but I need it, we need it.

I pray that with the end of physical dependence, these frustrations that seem to spawn wild-eyed angry moments will also cease. But, what if the frustrations just move to something else? I have no answers to any questions, except Jesus.

Without Him, I am nothing, I have nothing, I can do nothing. Without getting too super spiritual on here, I have really come to understand that without God, my life, our lives cannot transform. Does that make sense? I'm really at the end of my ability; I can't heal some one's brain. There is no medication, no stem cells, no acupuncture, no positive thinking that will restore Danny's brain. His injury is categorized as Diffuse Axonal Injury. That means, that the injury is throughout his brain, not localized. Google it.

So if we need God to really intervene here, why hasn't He already? What is He waiting for? Maybe me, maybe Danny, maybe it's you. Maybe our story has to continue to reach more people. Again, I have no answers. I can only cling to the Promises He gives us in His Word. It's all I have left to depend on without fail.

Like Christmas morning...

2009-06-23T12:02:00.020-04:00

Photo taken on Father's Day of four generations of our boys.

Now that we're all over the age of leaving milk and cookies out for Santa (aren't we?), Christmas gift giving can sometimes become predictable. We now make a list of what we want, hand it out to our family and because we all know it's safest to pick from the list, we have some idea about what lies beneath the tree with our name on it.

So goes this past week in regards to Danny's therapy. I mean, I've made my list of hopes, dreams and goals for Danny and our family and based on Danny's progress I relatively know that at some point they may appear "under the tree." I just don't know when Christmas is and in this analogy, Christmas comes more than once a year.

Cue the scents of plum pudding candles and cookies in the oven.

It's Christmas morning and I have already trashed through all of our gifts.

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Danny had his re-evaluation last week per the requirements, I'm sure, of his qualification for insurance coverage and also, on some level, continuation in the Beyond Therapy program. These are actual tests that are timed to measure and track improvements.

The gift of results:

1. Danny beat his previous 10 meter test time by 58 seconds. We were told that you could liken that kind of improvement to beating the world record of the 100 meter dash by 3 full seconds.

2. Danny improved on his 6 minute distance by 104 ft. Again, it's like skinny Nick beating the Kenyans in the Peachtree Road Race. The BT Team is typically happy with an improvement of 10 ft. so Danny completely blew it out of the water.

3. A first time test for Danny was called TUG - timed up and go. The gist is that he has to start sitting in a normal chair and using the walker and only one assistant, stand, walk 3 meters, turnaround, come back and sit down in the chair. Because Danny is just beginning to only need one assistant, his first time was logged at 3:03.

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Last Thursday, I received a text from Danny that made me stop what I was doing and call him immediately. He had gone down to Shepherd to exercise, as usual, and I guess he got the idea in his head that he and Juan Carlos, his assistant, should try walking on their own.

A peek inside my head.

What???? Um, did it occur to your brain injured head that that wasn't so hot an idea until we got a green light from Candy aka "Super Therapist?" I mean, do you remember falling? Tell me you used the gait belt and that you were responsible enough to have someone spot your walker.

Yeah, none of that happened. Oh, me of little faith.

Danny had JC set up a chair in the middle of the lane of the basketball court and then they walked, using the walker from the sideline, around the chair and back......3 times. With no Bioness on his right leg.

Ummm....is this okay?

So, what does my brain injured husband do, who still thinks that at times that he is expert at all things? He goes and tells on himself to Candy and tells her that he doesn't want to walk with the Bioness anymore.

And, he tells me that he wouldn't have done it if he didn't think he could do it. So, there!

More and more often, I'm having to let go of Danny and trust that he knows what he's doing. It's hard. I can't imagine what it'll be like with Corbin.

Back to the story.

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The next day, I take Danny to therapy as usual and also as usual, he is scheduled to walk his first hour. But, there was no Bioness. Just some brace type thing that went in his shoe, under his foot and up the front of his shin. Danny did great. So, they took it off. Danny did great, maybe even better than with anything at all. (See video at the end of the post).

Hmmm, I smell cookies again.

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Yesterday, Danny goes to therapy again and again as usual he walks. Thankfully, Danny's mom has her new fancy dancy HD video flip camera thing with her. It's show and tell time when he gets home.

Who is on the video watching Danny walk without an assistive device on his leg? Candy. Who is walking with Danny? Juan Carlos, with instruction from Mark our "hey buddy" therapist. Next up, Danny is scheduled for the pool and do my eyes deceive me or is that Danny walking down the steps into the water? Yes, it is and he also walks up the stairs too.

Life needs more green lights and Candy gave some to us yesterday.

Danny has homework.

1. Stretching in the mornings to loosen up the muscles in his right leg especially.

2. Walking AT HOME with JC one short distance a day. Yes, you read that correctly. He gets to walk at home.

3. Walking at Shepherd with JC for a short time when he goes to exercise.

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I'm glad to cross some things off my wish list.

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Video from Friday, June 19th without Bioness on right leg.

Gifts inside the Grief

2009-06-17T11:05:00.011-04:00

Grief is a funny thing. It nags at you and hangs like a weight around your heart. Grief can make you shut down and numb over, living primarily on the surface of things, just doing the next thing that needs doing. And, in our lives there are a lot of things that need doing. If I take a deep breath and look at myself, I see the numbness of grief and I don't like it. It's ugly and I can't seem to shake it off of me and I'm angry. I just don't know at what I'm angry. Am I angry at God? No, but my feelings are hurt. God hurt my feelings.

Corbin has this cute thing he says when he gets in trouble; "Mama, I lost my feelings." While I know he means that I hurt his feelings by getting after him, it touches my heart in the way he is trying to convey the message.

I, too, have lost my feelings.

My feelings are all over the board; off the board really. I go from highs to lows, east to west, longitudes and latitudes and just plain attitude. Again, I can't pinpoint to what I need to address these lost feelings. Who do I need to talk to to work it all out and bring life to this reality? Thus, the numbness sets in and I think about what was, the people we were and the life we enjoyed living and I grieve. I suffer. We suffer.

“For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake.” (Phil.1:29)

Thanks, but no thanks. I will just take my happy, go lucky, Christian living. I'm not spiritually mature enough to be granted such a privilege. God, give it to someone else more worthy of such a cause. I don't remember suffering being in the agreement when I opened the door to you. I didn't check that box agreeing to those terms and conditions; or did I?

Ouch. It isn't in our born nature to want to suffer and we avoid it at all costs. I mean, who really says "thank you sir, may I have another?"

I suppose we can bear suffering knowing and believing that His promises are true. There is a silver lining.

For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. (2 Cor. 1:5)

But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction. (Job 36:15)

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.(Ps. 119:50)

He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."(Mark 5:34)

“Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”(Rom. 8:17)

Silver lining. I was honored to find such a silver lining the other night; it was inside my child's heart.

I have often been plagued by the question of how these circumstances are affecting Corbin. Does he sense that something is "off?" Danny struggles with fatherhood at times and I find myself having to step up to the plate and be the tough one along with the nurturing one. Corbin in his developing three year old ways, recognizes that Danny doesn't have the ability to jerk the proverbial knot in his neck, so he tends to push the envelope further with Danny than he does me. It burns me up that he takes advantage of this, but moving back to my point. How does living with Danny's disability develop foundations of person in Corbin?

Sunday night we were able to take Corbin with us to see The Gipsy Kings concert, thanks to our friends K and D who came along for the fun. It enabled us to spend some time as a family, especially since Corbin is obsessed with Gipsy Kings music. Seriously, he is.

Nonetheless, about halfway through the concert, after it was dark, a young couple about our age entered and sat at the end of our aisle with their handicap son. Their son was about Corbin's age and was confined to a wheelchair. Being the active and observant little boy that he is, Corbin kept passing by these folks and I'm sure was working out this family in his little brain. He asked our friends K and D what the wheelchair was, what had happened to the little boy that he had to have a wheelchair and why. Heavy questions and he just kind of soaked it all in.

He'd watch the concert, sing along and steal glances at the little boy. Corbin had obviously made an impression on the other mother because she gave him a small stuffed lion. Corbin looked at it, clutched it and ran in my direction. I gave the obligatory wave of appreciation. But, what Corbin did next stopped me short and broke a bit off the wall of numbness.

"Mommy, I want you to talk to that boy." he says. "Why, Corbin?" I reply. "Because I want to give him my necklace." he answers.

Blinking back tears, I pick him up and hug him. K and D had bought a flashing, colorful light filled necklace for Corbin. Actually, they bought two because he broke the first one and cried wanting another. And, here he stands before me telling me that he wants to give it away.

So, Corbin gave out of his heart. He recognized a difference and gave a gift.

I found a silver lining.

As Kim Arnold writes what the Lord impressed upon her heart, the gifts are greater than the grief.

For this moment, that is enough.

Update on my nephew, Brett:

Thankfully, Brett does not have cancer. The cyst in his femur is a "shadowing" on the bone where it seems hard tissue and soft tissue meet. The doctor would like to see Brett in four months with a new X ray to see how the femur is healing. Thank you for your prayers for my brother's family and specifically for Brett. Praise the Lord! Another gift in the grief....

Fun times + hard times = life

2009-05-27T12:22:00.014-04:00

Following the last update, I'll make every attempt to keep this one informational, though you definitely want to read to the end if you've been keeping up with us for a while.

Our darling son has finished his first year of preschool. I can hardly believe it; it feels like I was just meeting all the other moms and I still have trouble getting every kid's name right. Oh well, it's a good thing that most of them will be together again this fall. Corbin is pictured here at their end of the year party and performance during snack time. As he did in the Christmas production, he stood near the back of the group and mouthed the words and did not do the hand motions. It was surprising, his lack of involvement. He is usually singing at home all the time and in Spanish. He loves the Gipsy Kings and that is all he wants to listen to in the car and at home. We can't wait to take him to their concert next month. Danny and I went on our first date to Gipsy Kings at Chastain; we're looking forward to getting a bit nostalgic and sharing it with Corbin.

We have hit another milestone with Corbin; he is finally potty trained. Now, I hear all you Moms out there thinking that he should have been out of diapers by the time Danny was for the second time. However, I then think that you don't live in my life, so get off your high horse. Nonetheless, when I found out that Corbin was the last little darling in his class to make friends with the potty, we had a nice little heart to heart. Well, actually, it was something to the effect of "you know what to do and you're not going to wear diapers anymore." Corbin is stubborn; which he gets unfortunately naturally by both sides of the family. He just didn't care if he wet himself or whether he stank like caca instead of flowers, or his Spanish cologne. Of course, in drawing the line in the Huggies for him, I had to keep the commitment to myself. Thus began our battles to every bathroom we had an opportunity to take advantage of. Now, I am proud to say, Corbin is happy in his Spiderman Underoos and Lightning McQueen skivvies.

Last Thursday, May 21st, Corbin brought home my birthday surprise; my mom from the airport! Yes, I turned another year older over the Memorial Day weekend. More on that in a moment. It was nice to have Mom here and you can see that Corbin loved having his own personal playmate. They are pictured here on our balcony blowing bubbles.

When we three were talking about what to do for my birthday a couple months ago, Corbin decided he thought I'd like to go bowling. Well, we had been recently and he had loved it, so I guess it was on the forefront of his mind. Nonetheless, he knows his Mommy well because I love to bowl. Here are a few pictures that I was able to grab, but there were a bunch of us there. Can you see my sassy new haircut?

Danny News:

Back on May 15th, Danny was able to walk outside again and I was excited to see it. It was kind of ironic that we were there in the garden where we used to take Danny on Sunday afternoons while he was an inpatient. I walked normally around the sidewalks and it was 160 steps for me. Danny doesn't always take full steps, so it was probably more for him. Here is a quick clip of his lap.

Unfortunately, our time outside was cut short since some idiot that had robbed a nearby bank was traveling on foot and armed. Security came outside and gathered everyone inside and then locked down Shepherd. No matter, Danny still walked so much during those two hours, outside and inside, that his shirts were soaked through with sweat. Glad to know his body is working properly since he didn't sweat for so long.

We also had our check up appointment with Dr. Kaelin and he was very pleased with Danny's progress and weight loss. Danny was more excited that he was given the green light to drink a beer, if he wants one. I actually took the boys out to grab a salad and a slice the next week and Danny had a Newcastle and I had a Corona, and Corbin behaved. It was really nice to sit there and be a tad bit more normal; to have less restrictions. Amazing what the ability to enjoy a beer did for Danny's spirit.

Life surprises me sometimes, well, rarely. I'm now at the apathetic part of life where I'm not really shocked by much. Nonetheless, I started this entry yesterday and I'm glad I waited until today to post it because of what I have to add next.

Danny had therapy yesterday that kicked his butt. I'd ordered his own walker for the house to do exercises with; sit to stands, transfers, etc., but no walking yet. He took it with him to therapy yesterday so they could get it set up for him and he could practice with it. He walked a total of three hours; first hour with the walker, second hour on the manual treadmill and last hour with the walker again. At the near end of the last hour, after being fatigued, Danny was able to do something huge. Twice, he walked unassisted with the walker for about 15 feet each time. I was so proud of him and I believe he was even proud of himself and rightly so! Candy told him he'd set the bar really high, so she'd like to see him do more of that in therapy so we can translate to the home. Yea, Danny!

On a closing note, I have to ask for prayer for my nephew Brett. He is the youngest of my brother's two boys. Doctors have discovered a "bone cyst" in his right femur, near the knee that they think may be cancer. Unfortunately, the facility that does pediatric MRIs can't take him for two weeks. Please pray for Jonathan and Kari as they deal with this heavy issue with their son and pray also for Brett that the cyst will not be cancer. Brett is four years old; he will be five years old in July. I know you all are fierce prayer warriors and I am thankful to be able to call on you during our times of need.

God bless you and keep you safe!

After the caca, comes the flowers.

2009-05-06T14:45:00.009-04:00

I suppose a little explanation of the title may be in order. Those words were the conclusion that Corbin reached following a short lesson on how nasty flies can be, but how God uses the caca that flies land on to help the flowers and crops grow. You could see the little wheels in his brain working and out popped his summary; "after the caca, comes the flowers."

Now, I know all parents are busting their buttons at how brilliant they think their child is and there is often the parent comparison game at all play dates and parties. However, the Holy Spirit grabbed me with the deep spiritual suggestion of what he said. I guess if God can speak through a jackass, he can certainly use my angel Corbin to get my attention. Nonetheless, I am constantly reminded of God's love for me through Corbin.

I can not imagine God loving me more than I love Corbin and yet, He does and He shows me that in at least a small way everyday. It is the split second in conversation with Danny that I forget our circumstances. It is the unsolicited "I love you, Mama" from Corbin. God shows His love for me in the easy way schedules fall into place and even when I have a few moments to paint my toenails. He shows me through other's stories of courage and faith through their own journey (see http://www.katherineawolf.blogspot.com/). He confirms for me that He is there when funding suddenly arrives for that therapy invoice I just received. But, out of the mouths of babes, God nudges my faith; after the caca, comes the flowers.

I gotta tell you, it's about time we see some darn flowers. I mean, I need the Atlanta Botanical Gardens to show up at my front door. I live in a perpetual state of fear that I have to push back from the forefront of my thought or I'll go crazy. For a few short sentences, okay, perhaps a couple paragraphs, I'll let you in on my fears. Maybe if I air them out, it won't seem so scary or at least you'll know how to pray for this crazy lady.

Money: I know right now, everyone seems a bit nervous about their finances, but I gotta confess, I'm terrified. Now, I'm not holding out my Shriners' Circus bucket asking for your spare change, but just venting a bit. As I see the money in our checking account dwindle down each month, the money in my 401K go up in smoke and with no other savings, I panic. I'm in a connumdrum of sorts. I could work more hours, but I wouldn't make anymore money since I'd still be having to pay for a sitter for Corbin and an assistant for Danny. So, is there something I can do from home? Seriously, I can't even keep my toilets cleaned, much less spend time on the phone or computer trying to earn some extra cash.

Here's a biggie for you; when/if will Danny be able to work again? Will it even be lucrative since he will have to learn to overcome some cognitive deficiencies? Will we lose the disability that we get if he starts to work? What if he wants to work on motorcycles again (I'll save more on this subject for another post. It might take a few.)? We have no other back up plan in place, but holding out our bucket. And, honestly, it scares me to have to depend on you because you're just trying to make it for you and your own family. Why should you help us? And, if you can afford to help someone, what makes our need greater than someone else's?

How long will Danny have to be in therapy? I don't want to quit too early and him lose momentum, but I don't want to run us into the ground either. Wouldn't that be great to get him walking again only to fall into the debt pit that is so healthy for marriages? At this point, would it be good to quit Beyond Therapy and hire a personal trainer? Is he there yet? What is the right time?

Pause. I need to vomit now. Maybe this venting my fears thing wasn't such a good idea. It seems to making me feel more like caca and much less like flowers.

I can make it. Just keep typing. There is a revelation in all this confession, right?

Okay, now that Danny can ride in my car, we take it as much as possible. The problem is this though; his wheelchair doesn't fit in my trunk, so we have to put it in the back seat with Corbin. Thus, we can't have anyone else with us or any groceries either; even my purse gets shoved up under Danny's feet after he gets settled. Plus, my car is old, 1990 and has almost 185K miles on it. Now, granted, it is a Mercedes and they can go forever, but my Dad isn't here anymore to help keep it running well and Danny can't do it physically. So, bottom line to this whole paragraph, is it time to buy a new car?

The questions continue. Do we have the money to buy a car right now? Sure, but it would take a BIG chunk out of our pocket and see nervous comments about future funds above. My car is paid for so we have no car payment which is great. Do we really want to add something else to the outgoing column in our budget? No, I don't, but my car is not working for my family. So, do we buy new or used? Do we buy a car, a station wagon, a mini van or a SUV? What is right choice? And, more often than not, if I don't know what to do, I just don't do anything. However, we've been talking about a new(er) car for me for a long time, but I'm terrified to pull that trigger and have it come back to haunt me months down the road when I have to pull Danny out of Beyond Therapy prematurely.

Ahhhhh! And, that is only about money. I think I'll keep some other fears for other days before you all plan an intervention and men in white uniforms bring me the latest style of jacket, the straight kind. However, from all the questions, He is the Answer and by the life of my little boy, God tells me how much He loves me. If God loves me a fraction of what I love Corbin and I'm willing to walk through the wilderness for him, what more will my heavenly Father do for me?

He makes promises and keeps them all. Do you want to see one of the promises he made me? The verse is found in Isaiah 43:19.

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Below, Danny is doing a new thing; a marvelous thing. This day brought a renewed sense of hope when my well was dry. And, after two hours of walking over ground (mostly with the walker), the two therapists helping Danny laid hands on him and thanked the Lord for what He has done in Danny's life.

God has planted seeds all along this journey. Some fell on the path, some in the thorns and some in the good soil. Lord, let us be like the good soil, producing a crop for your Kingdom.

After the caca, comes the flowers......Amen.

Delayed, but I'm here and you are too!

2009-04-28T15:52:00.007-04:00

I love to read and I love a deal so I buy my books at Costco, but only paperback and only if it's an author I've heard of or if the cover intrigues me. It's all about the marketing.

Anyway, I have been reading more in the last year; only fiction as a means to escape from my reality and into someone else's tale. It works, keeping my mind on something else is nice.

Well, I happened by Costco and picked up a few paperbacks feeling confident in my selections. I read the first one by Harlan Coben (fabulous) and then picked up Nicholas Sparks "The Choice." Now, I hear all you "The Notebook" fans yelling at me that I would only be torturing myself with a Sparks novel, but I felt okay about reading a real love story. They aren't always happy endings which is true life, right?

I did read the back of "The Choice" and it was rather vague about the decisions this couple has to face to keep hope alive in their love, or something like that. The majority of the book was a flashback of sorts on the way the met, fell in love and what led this man to the hospital.

WARNING: If you haven't read the book and don't want it to be spoiled a bit, stop reading and pick up later in this post.

Anyway, Travis is in the hospital to see his wife who is a doctor, but she's not there working, she's been a patient for 84 days after a car accident rendered her comatose.

Oh, PERFECT! This is just great, what I've walked into, read into, whatever. Now, I have spent the time getting to know this fictitious couple and enjoying an eye into their relationship and blam! I find myself in this book.

Luckily, I didn't have to deal with the issue that Travis had to in the book. He either had to honor his wife's wishes for her feeding tube to be removed after twelve weeks or to ignore it and hope she wakes up. I won't spoil that for you, but it brought those early days of Danny's accident back to the forefront of my mind.

Danny and I were young when the accident happened; I guess we still are, but I feel old. Anyway, we didn't have wills or power of attorneys or living wills. Who'd thought we'd need something like that before our hair started to turn gray? However, months, probably years before Danny's accident, we happened to talk about what we'd want should something happen to us. I believe it was on the heels of the Terri Schaivo case that was a focal point of the media at that time. Danny told me he'd "rather be dead than stuck in a wheelchair."

Those words haunted me in the early and unknown days; have we outgrown the unknown days yet? No matter. I just knew Danny wouldn't want to live if he had a choice. Thankfully, it never came to a point where a choice of life as a vegetable or death had to be made. But, there were other choices that I tried to always do as I knew Danny would want me to do. But, could I have pulled his feeding tube? Could I have turned off the machines? Praise the Lord I didn't have to ponder those things.

But, reading this book and reading how this husband was dealing with his wife in a coma and not having answers; I understand it, been through it and have come out beaten, but not broken on the other side.

Danny continues to get better. Last week, he walked with a walker and two assistants outside. It was a big day and I was so proud of him. He has done so much walking recently at therapy; he walks in various ways at least two out of the three hours he is there. He has also been able to stand on a scale to get an accurate weight; he's at 225lbs. And, as long as I'm with him and it's just us or with Corbin, we ride in my car. He is able to transfer into the car with just my help and it's amazing what a difference it makes to his attitude.

It's been rather crazy lately what with travel schedules and Spring Break and doctor's appointments. If you recall from the last post, Corbin and I were heading down to the beach for a week. We did have a great time and Corbin loved the sand. The weather didn't hold up the whole time, but it was nice to get away. Of course, when we got back I developed strep throat and a sinus infection and the day after I went to the doctor, I had to take Corbin. He was diagnosed with another double ear infection. Fabulous! We survived and are now getting back in the swing of things and gearing up for summer.

Here are some pictures of our recent activities:

Strategic car maneuvering on the balcony at the beach house. Corbin did this several times a day. Notice he still has his pj's on, so he starts early. Also, Mom, look at what he is doing with his mouth. Wonder where he got that look of concentration from? Must be Danny:)

Our first walk on the beach. Corbin loved it and I got some great pictures.

Corbin's first moments in the ocean. About two swells later, he did a face plant into the sand. It's a new concept to learn that the sand washes away from under your feet. You should have seen the look of confusion on his face just a split second before he realized he was going to fall. Priceless!

Do I really need to say anything here? I mean, who doesn't love this face? He's just so darn cute!

Notice it is my child who is picking up the eggs at the church's Easter Egg Hunt. I was NOT one of those parents picking up eggs along with their child. Tacky.

The goods; about 14 eggs.

Look. It's the fake smile Corbin learned from Danny and Mom is just trying to remember to keep her chin up a bit to make sure it doesn't look like a double. Nonetheless, I love my boy!

Is anyone out there?

2009-03-19T15:55:00.011-04:00

That question can take me lots of different editorial directions, but for now let's leave it at "does anyone really read this?"

Now, I know that writing this blog is just as good for me as it is to the few of you that actually keep up with it. The reason I ask is that it's been pretty quiet on the comments and email sending, so it makes me think that no one is out there. Just let me know that you're there and maybe I won't feel so weird writing my thoughts and my life out in the big, huge world of the blogosphere.

Moving on and considering my previous post was quite introspective, I will make every attempt to keep this one informational.

Danny's progress in Beyond Therapy has truly been picking up speed (I have attached another gaiting video for your viewing pleasure from March 13th). As most of you or perhaps none of you know, I only work part time. Mondays are my errand/Corbin days and Fridays are my take Danny to Shepherd days. This schedule works well and allows me alone time with both my boys. I have a love/hate relationship with Fridays. I love to be with Danny and see all the progress he makes, but I hate it for him that it just takes so dang long.

For the most part though, Fridays are great because I get to get the firsthand scoop from his therapists on how he performs earlier in the week. Well, a few Fridays ago, I got a huge surprise. Candy (super-therapist) asked me if Danny had told me about his 10M test, which he, of course, had not and to which she was shocked that I didn't know. What is a 10M test, you ask. Well, it means that Danny had to walk 10 meters (imagine that) using the standard walker with only one assistant. And, he did it. I was thrilled to say the least, but it really hit me when I saw a before and after clip.

Nick (super-therapist 2) showed us a clip of Danny gaiting on 12-24-08 with three assistants; one on the stool behind him, one holding/guiding the walker and another helping him keep his trunk upright. And, just two months later on 2-24-09, Danny walked and succeeded in his first 10M Test. See? I told you things seem to be speeding along quite nicely now.

Another boost in the hope department came from another "patient" who is not apart of the Beyond Therapy, but who works out in the gym each day. I'm not even sure what his name is, but let's call him Joe. Danny was walking up on the track one Friday with the Argo while Joe was walking his laps around the track. Joe has a spinal cord injury that he suffered six years ago when a scaffolding fell while he was working on it. Joe is dedicated to his workouts. I mean, he sweats through his shirts and is always there when we're there. I admire his work ethic. So, while Danny was taking his laps with the Argo, Joe would walk a lap holding onto the railing and then he'd come and rest in the chair next to me which is when I got my dose of hope.

Apparently, Joe has only been able to "walk" for the past year and when he first started, he said he couldn't even walk half a lap without taking a rest. So, he's been where Danny is in some ways. Joe has seen Danny progress and as we're watching Danny work with the Argo, he looks at me and says "it won't be long now." Inspiring. That meant just as much to me as what I hear from Danny's therapists, perhaps more since Joe has literally walked this path. "It won't be long now" rings in my head when I get a bit gloomy. It won't be long now.

In all this work, we've had some fun too. Check out the snow in Atlanta on Sunday, March 1st. This is the view from the balcony in our bedroom. Yes, that is a cemetery, but we like it. They're quiet neighbors. It's too bad this pretty scene didn't stay very long. It is beautiful from the mountain.Check out these pics I snapped while we were watching American Idol last week. Boys being boys and awesome moments caught.

We were also blessed with a visit from my dad this past week. I was thrilled because I was able to make it a surpise for Corbin and for Danny. It never really is a vacation for him since I usually give him a Daddy-do list and he was on hand to help take Danny to therapy too. If you remember, my parents were just here during the holidays and my dad was amazed at Danny's progress since he was here at Christmas. He says it's like seeing a different person. Another boost of hope. Here are a couple shots while he was here.

One more thing before I give you information overload, Corbin and I are headed to the beach next week. I'm so excited and can't wait to feel the sand between my toes and the sun on my face. The last time that happened was one month before Danny's accident and I was 7 months pregnant with Corbin. I have a feeling it'll be just a bit different this time, but then again what isn't different about our life since then?

Just the Pits

2009-02-24T12:12:00.007-05:00

Ever hear that southern phrase? 'It's just the pits.' Honestly, this Atlanta-born girl isn't quite sure exactly what it means or how it came into being, but I do know it's supposed to imply that whatever "it" is is not good.

There are also phrases like 'pit of despair,' or 'bottomless pit.' No matter how much I rack my brain, I can't think of a good reference to a pit. Perhaps some are void of anything close to moral symbolism, like NASCAR and pit row (no, really, please don't send me emails about the origin of pit row. My dad would be the only person who'd care).

So, in the pits we find ourselves, right? Well, I feel like I'm in a pit and I'm reading a great book that solidifies my fears, but I am beginning to see how to get out of this pit.

We were thrown into our pit; not slipped into it or even jumped into it knowing full well there would be consequences. No, we were thrown like Joseph, not by our brothers, but by tragedy. It's dark. It's suffocating; feels like the walls are moving in on us. Is it raining now? Oh, great, now we're muddy and sinking down into this pit further.

Have you ever walked in mud? I mean, "really wet, been raining for days" kind of mud? I remember when I was about 12 we lived at the end of a culdesac. Behind us was an open field that eventually led up to a main thoroughway. They eventually cleared the land to ready it for building cluster homes and that Georgia red clay was unearthed as far as you could see. It rained for about five or six days straight. My brother and I ventured out in our grubbiest play clothes on our ATV, which we then parked and decided to walk. Yeah, right.

Working my way behind Jonathan and carefully trying to stay upright, we huffed and puffed up an incline. As I cleared the crest, all I saw was Jonathan's head and then it quickly disappeared. He'd been sucked into a mud pit and an entire leg disappeared in the earth. I'm not sure exactly how we eventually got him out of that pit of mud, but I know he lost his shoe and we were covered from head to toe in red clay.

When you're stuck in mud, it seems the more you move and work to escape, the more you sink and the more stuck you get. Or, if you're the one trying to pull someone out of the mud, you usually wind up covered it the stuff too. The same is true when you're in a spiritual pit. YOU can't do anything and neither can your buddy. God is the only one who can pull you out of the "miry pit."

This pit that I find me and Danny in is so deep and so dark, so muddy and slimy. Danny is chin deep in the mud and I just keep on pulling trying to get him out on solid ground. The last few weeks, since Danny's nightime spiritual awakening (see earlier post), I have been in turmoil. Like I wrote before, Satan works at destroying what I see as the core to this whole journey, our marriage. Danny and I have bickered more and been agitated with one another. We've just lived with this tension, at least, that is what I feel. There is no name for it or no obvious origin, but I guess it's stress almost embodied.

And, I hit the wall on Friday. It wasn't any huge fall out or arguement, just a comment said in a defiant, disrespectful manner that put me over the edge. Perhaps I was more sensitive since me and Corbin had been sick all week, but the tightness in my throat came and tears began to sting my eyes and I had to get out of there; being Shepherd. I left Danny there with his assistant to complete his therapy and for a couple hours found safety in my car. I cried, sobbed, screamed, yelled and hit my fist on the steering wheel. It wasn't enough so I drove. I ended up at a bookstore; don't know why. I hadn't been there before and absent mindedly wandered right into the Christianity section and right in front of my eyes was the infamous "pit" book that got me here. I didn't pick it up though, yet. I wasn't in a pit; at least in any pit a book was going to get me out of of. I decided to write and I did, pages really. The tears were still there and I'm sure I got more than one second glance as I sat up against a window, writing with my sunglasses still on my face. I bought the book. Why? Well, it's a familiar author, had a comment about God's deliverance on the cover, but it was what was on the back cover that made me pull out my wallet.

Psalm 40: 1-2 reads "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."

God is powerful enough to change our hearts and he knows exactly the best way to do it. He will lift us out of this pit and in Jesus' name He will place both our feet on solid ground where both of us will stand. Looking up when you're in a pit, you begin to see the light. Thankfully, I needed a reminder that Danny is God's child and it is not by my might, power or my strength, but His. Isn't that freeing?

Please continue your prayers on our behalf, but lift up praise for the video below is a brief glimpse in how well Danny is progressing. This video was shot ironically enough on Friday, 2/20.

Me, Myself and Irene

2009-02-10T10:32:00.005-05:00

Warning: I feel a long blog a-comin' on, so hold on to your mouse and for some of you, grab that box of generic tissues.

There were several things you could always count on at my grandmother Irene's house; homemade pancakes with those little bottles of syrup from Cracker Barrel on Saturday mornings, the smell of fresh mint as you got out of the car in the driveway, the best biscuits you've ever put in your mouth, being tucked in up to your eyeballs whether you wanted your arms out or not, Wheel of Fortune seemed to be on all the time, birdhouses in the backyard and fresh tomatoes on the vine. But there are two things that stand out among the rest.

The first is that she always, always sat in the evenings and did her nails. She had this floor lamp that had a table around the stand and it always held a tube of hand cream, nail polish remover, a natural color nail polish and the cheapest nail file she could find. There was a pride she had about her hands; she had the softest hands I've ever felt.

I guess that is why when she was bedridden by brain cancer, you could find me sitting by her bed doing her nails. Even when they were yellowed and brittle from her body shutting down, I wanted her hands to be pretty and soft. She died 15 years ago last week and I just can't get her out of my mind.

One of the last moments of her life that she responded to me, before the cancer dragged her into the darkness of death, I stood on her vanity stool in my homecoming court evening gown. She cried. Perhaps because she knew she wasn't going to make it to see me on court or because of all the gowns she knew she was going to miss; my high school and college graduation gowns, my wedding gown, my hospital gown at the birth of her third great-grandson. Perhaps she saw the future and came to the realization that she'd have to view it from above.

The second thing and by no means the least, is Grandmother had this habit of saying "Praise the Lord." I always thought she meant it as simple praise, but as I've grown into adulthood and had my own share of troubles, I realize she may have been reminding herself to always "Praise the Lord" in all things.

Danny and I have certainly been tossed about in the waves of this storm, but I've always come back to the peace that comes about with a simple "Praise the Lord."

I will do this again now as I share with you how the Lord has blessed our family.

Danny has had incredible days at therapy. "Incredible" is the only word that Candy (therapist) could use to describe Danny's progress. He has taken numerous steps independently with his right leg, he now only needs two people to aid him with the standard walker, he walks in the pool just holding on to the shoulders of the therapist. He stands at his sink at home to get dressed now and has even brushed his teeth while standing there. Corbin is very proud of his Daddy and I am too. While all these improvements are exciting, the most significant change is his attitude.

A couple weeks ago at 4am, Danny woke me up to talk. Now, Danny wakes me up a couple times during the night to turn, but this time he needed to talk. It seemed that he'd been up since I turned him the last time, about two hours. He couldn't sleep, so he decided to pray. And, what came out of his mouth was not short of amazing. It wasn't just one night, but three nights in a row that it seems God kept him awake and during this time, I feel like Danny was truly healing from the inside-out.

Danny talked about the future and the work he'd like to do, who he wants to hire and the house he'd like to have. He talked about another baby. But, yet, it was the spiritual epiphany, if you will, that excited me the most. He felt convicted to apologize to some people and has since acted upon that, he came to the realization that God has been waiting for him "to lay it all down." What was so amazing is that the words coming out of his mouth were completely his own. It wasn't like we'd been talking about spiritual stuff or even about the future. He really talked to God and his therapists and those close to him, noticed the difference.

Now, I'd like to say that all things have been peachy since, but as we Christians have come to know, when things are looking up, Satan likes to punch you down again. So, the best place to make the most impact, our marriage. I know that if we allow Satan to mess with our marriage, it will have a negative impact on all things relating to us and our families. It is, afterall, our marriage that Satan was trying to divide four years ago, but you know what? Come August 16, 2009, we will have been married longer post accident than we were before Danny's injury.

It was an odd revelation to me. Word has it that the first year of marriage is always the toughest and I remember we always were wondering when the tough part was coming. We loved being married and loved each other. Although those are wonderful sentiments, it is the post accident marriage that has been beaten, but not broken. We have learned more in these few years than most couples learn; the three person marriage is absolutely the key to success.

My Grandmother would have loved Danny and I'm sure she does from heaven. And she would have fallen head over heels for Corbin. There is a small part of me that wouldn't be surprised if she personally picked Corbin for us. He is our angel and the most normal part of our lives. But, reflecting on my dear Grandmother, I will hold on to her lesson of example and "Praise the Lord."

Divine in 2009!

2009-01-07T09:53:00.016-05:00

I have attached some pictures from Christmas at the end of this long blog. So if you don't have time to read a bunch, just scroll down to the bottom.

Divine. According to Webster, divine can mean a. proceeding directly from deity, b. being deity, and c. directed to deity. It could also mean supremely good such as "my pecan pie is divine."

Okay, so we're a couple weeks into 2009 and I'm still thinking about what the Lord might have in store for us this year. It seems that at our birthdays, anniversarys (both marriage and accident), Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, I always contemplate what that day will look like one year later. Does everyone do that? I don't remember doing it until Danny's accident when time seems to have gone from one realm of life to the twilight realm of life. I've mentioned this before; how life continues, but I feel like we're still stuck in a holding pattern, waiting to get started again.

Switching back to divinity, I'm really ready to be divine in 2009 and not in a vanity sort of way. I'll take choices a and c; proceeding directly from Deity and directed to Deity. We do and have had to proceed through this journey with the directing hand of God, with His strength and with His might. And, I certainly have had to direct myself to God. If I find myself looking at the circumstances of our life, I am overwhelmed and frustrated. However, when I keep my thoughts, my eyes on the Lord, when I saturate myself with scripture and worship music, there is a freedom that comes, a knowledge that it's going to be okay. Peace that surpasses anyone's understanding. So, I'm ready to be divine in '09.

But, do you know what else would be divine in '09? It's that "supremely good" kind of divine. I want Danny to walk again. But, the thing you all may not grasp is that it isn't just the motion, the ability to walk. It's so many more things; things that are life changing to him and to everyone around him.

Walking is independence, something that Danny fiercely embraced and thrived in. He feels guilty, shameful, worthless because he has to depend on people to help him do everyday tasks that you and I take for granted. He thinks he isn't a capable father or husband because he can't physically "do" those "jobs." He feels hopeless looking at motorcycle magazines, shows or Web sites because he doesn't believe he'll get to enjoy those things again.

Just take a moment and think about your life. You sleep all night long, you wake up and are able to throw your feet on the floor and paddle to the bathroom to pee and brush your teeth, shower and comb your hair or shave your face. You pick out your clothes and get yourself dressed. You stumble to the kitchen to grab your coffee, adding your cream and sugar. Oops! You spilled it on the counter so you take two steps grab some paper towels and wipe it clean. Hmm. Take a peak in the refrigerator to choose some breakfast. Grab the milk, a bowl and a spoon and look in the pantry for cereal. Take it all to the table and sit down in a real chair, scoot yourself up and pour the cereal, pour the milk and eat. You may even have to lean over the bowl to let that drip of milk not fall onto your "just back from the dry cleaners" button down shirt.

Now, imagine you cannot do any of that for yourself.

Except when you look in the mirror, it is Danny. Danny never sleeps through the night because he can't get himself comfortable, so I have to turn him throughout the night. When he wakes up, he has to wait until someone lifts him onto a shower chair to head to the bathroom. Someone helps him brush his teeth, shower, shave, put deoderant on and spray on cologne. He is then placed back in bed to be dressed which means he is rolled back and forth until everything is just right before being hoisted back in the air and set on his wheelchair. He is pushed to the kitchen table where breakfast in brought to him. He wears a long kitchen towel tucked into his shirt so if he drips, it doesn't get on his shirt which isn't the one he is wearing to a job because he doesn't have one to go to.

As a man who loved to work, to play, to take care of and provide for his family and his home; as a man who took pride in his work and helping others, who was determined to succeed; when Danny looks in the mirror, he sees failure.

Now, those are his terms, his feelings. When I look back three years ago, this is where we were on January 12, 2006.

"Danny is getting more difficult to handle. Last night, he was extremely upset. The neurologist is encouraged and says this is all a good thing, but it is quite difficult to watch. Danny was urgently trying to tell us something, but the words that came out made no sense. He mumbled nonstop and fought with us whenever we needed to do something for him. It took me and both his parents to get him dressed for bed because one person had to restrain his right arm while the others got him ready. I started crying a bit because nothing I did would calm him down. I can't imagine the frustration he is dealing with internally.

While the staff at Shepherd Center prepared us for this stage of recovery, I didn't realize it would be this hard. It's not just the physical fight that Danny gives us, but it is so frustrating emotionally not to be able to help him. I have to keep telling myself that the man pushing me away, pinching me, squeezing and scratching my arm, yelling at me is not Danny. He reaches for Corbin, but I can't let him touch him for fear that he may hurt him. Do you know how hard that is not to let Danny touch his own son? Not to let Danny feel the softness of his skin or tickle his toes? I pray that the Lord will give Danny and Corbin a special bond, even more than most fathers and sons because Danny is missing this amazing time."

So, as a woman who saw, experienced firsthand and remembers the worst of the worst, January 2009 is a divine place to be. We have so much to be thankful for and while Danny has tough days emotionally, I couldn't be prouder of the efforts his is giving.

There was a time when I was so frustrated with Danny for not giving all to his recovery, but thankfully, that time has passed. Danny is working so hard in therapy, on his off days at the gym, and even with his diet, he puts everything he can and I know he will see the rewards of those efforts.

Danny has seen more improvement physically in the last few months than at anytime prior. It seems that the foundation has been set and we're now working on the finishing touches. Danny's right leg has suddenly started to move so much that it's not far from performing the same as the left. Danny's left arm has begun to have muscle definition. Danny's abdominals are alive and he works really hard to keep them engaged. The human body is amazing and wonderfully made to work together. To have to think about transfering your weight to step, or straightening one leg to step with the other, or all the muscles that work to just walk, you realize that there is no such thing as just walking.

Walking is an amazing ability that brings more than just a physical movement, a physical awakening. Walking brings with it emotional improvement, an awakening of the mind. Danny will be who he wants to be when he can walk again because who he wants to be he cannot attain it to the fullest without the ability to walk. There is no settling in this game for him. Who could ask him to change his dreams?

We are blessed; blessed beyond measure because we have come to the place where we know to proceed from Deity and how to direct our lives by Deity. God is truly our Savior.

Recent Therapy Video and Fundraising Campaign is OPEN!

2008-12-17T15:56:00.006-05:00

This is the reason I need your help to keep Danny moving in Beyond Therapy. This clip was taken last Friday, December 12th.

I'm excited to share with you that our fundraising campaign with the National Transplant Assistance Fund is officially open! We've received our first donation and with that, a Web site is now available for you to donate online. You can visit http://www.catastrophicfund.org/ and click in the yellow box marked "FIND A PATIENT WEBSITE." Enter "DIAZ" and it will direct you to click on Danny's name, where you'll then find our personal page. I have not yet edited it, but will be able to add photos, a link to our Web site and blog and other information as necessary. It is a great tool and we're excited about this partnership with NTAF.

For all of you looking to get the added benefit of a tax deduction for 2008, please thoughtfully consider helping us keep Danny in this wonderful Beyond Therapy Program. He has made more strides, more momentum, more progress in the last two months than the year prior. For ways to donate, please see the information below.

For information about NTAF, please visit www.catastrophicinjury.org.

To make a donation by check:

1. Make check payable to NTAF Southeast Brain Injury Fund,

2. In Memo section of check, print In Honor of Danny Diaz, and

3. Send to NTAF 150 N. Radnor Chester Road, Suite F-120 Radnor, PA 19087.

To make a donation by Credit Card, please call 800-642-8399 or visit www.catastrophicfund.org and click to find Danny's page.

Legal ease from NTAF: Contributions are tax-deductible to the extent allowed by law. This campaign is adminstered by the National Transplant Assistance Fund, a 501 (c) (3) nonprofit providing fundraising assistance to transplant and catastrophic injury patients.

Thank you!

Confessions of a fundraising campaign starter and blogspot avoiding writer

2008-11-20T14:21:00.010-05:00

"Hi. My name is Allison and I'm a slacker. It's been almost two months since my last post and my readers are starting to ask questions."

"Welcome, Allison. We're here to help. Come, sit down and take a deep breath. It will all come back to you and everyone will be just fine."

"But, I'm not sure I remember everything and I don't have all the pictures and video ready to load. I don't have final numbers from the fundraisers. People will ask questions. I won't meet expectations."

And, so that goes to the point of my life. Meeting Expectations, rather Exceeding Expectations. I'm a pleaser, a planner and a right now a peruser of stores for Christmas gifts. But, enough about me. How is Danny? How is Corbin?

Getting to the failed business at hand....

As you can tell from the photo, our family entered the costume contest at our church's fall festival; playing the part of doctor is Corbin sporting surgical scrubs with "Dr. Corbin" embroidered on the front along with his personal pediatric stethoscope. I am playing the part of nurse or therapist at Shepherd Center and as you've figured out by now, Danny aka "Homie" is the patient. No, I didn't punch Danny's eye or break his nose; those are called props, people! Anyway, for our efforts, we placed 2nd in the Family Participation category and earned a gift card to the movies. I hope to use that soon as there seem to be a bunch of fun, kid friendly movies coming out soon.

Catching up from the last post, the Memorial Ride went well. We had about 50 riders or so and Danny had a fabulous time. No, I don't have any pictures yet. See above slacker comment. I did, however, have the most fun racing the go-carts on the speed track. Thank you, Lisa!

Speaking of Lisa, brings me to pool therapy, which leads my mind to this short clip below.

A brief background of therapy since I last wrote, Danny has made some big strides and I'm happy to report I mean that literally. It seems like each week, he does something greater, stronger or just plain new than the week prior. See video.

On this particular Friday, November 21st, Danny did new and unexpected, unplanned moves. First of all, while standing at the Smith machine (single bar that Danny holds onto while performing standing exercises) an aerobic step was placed at his feet. He was ask to merely place each foot on the top and then bring it back to the starting position. Well, Danny decided to step up onto the step with both feet and then kept on doing it; with the weaker right leg leading and the stronger left leg leading. It was great and his therapist was pleased.

I happen to casually mention this to Lisa when Danny was starting his pool session later that same day. So, they worked on going up the stairs. Now, mind you, this is the first time he'd climbed stairs since the accident. All the sudden, he's doing it. So, Lisa is so pleased she calls Paige to come and have a look. Paige is so pleased, she asks Danny to climb out of the pool by the stairs. See video. (This is clip one of three, but the other two are too large to do through blogger. I have to do it from home via YouTube. Again, slacker confession above.)

Although you don't see it, Danny does in fact make it all the way out of the pool and into the waiting shower wheelchair you should see on the right side of the video. I was so proud and so was everyone else, except Danny. It was so significant because 1. he'd never done stairs until this day 2. it was his 3rd session of the day and he was fatigued 3. he had no Bioness on his right leg (electrical stimulation) and 4. he didn't use the walker or the Argo, just merely held onto Paige's shoulders with Lisa supporting his knees from behind him.

So encouraged were his therapists, that last Friday, December 5th, Danny had to walk into the pool. See that long ramp to Danny's left in the video? Well, he had to walk holding onto a therapist's shoulders all the way to the stairs. And, that is an Olympic size swimming pool folks. Maybe I can get the video to post.

This was after Danny had walked four lengths of the gym during which he was told that he was taking bigger strides with his right leg than anyone had seen him do. It was so positive for me to see him walk so much, stepping about 50% of the time with his right leg independently. Danny has also begun to sweat more than I've seen him do post-accident. I find this to be a positive indication that his body is finally working together and working properly.

Wednesday, December 3rd, Danny was a rock star. He used the walker during his gaiting session and according to Candy, did his best walking to date. Let me put it to you this way; on their second trip down the length of the gym, Candy made sure there was someone videotaping. Danny was even proud of himself. I've posted a few lines of an email that Danny actually crafted, so these are his words.

"Finally, thank God! Today at therapy I saw all the hard work start to pay off. I was doing my walking hour in the gym with the standard walker and low and behold my right leg came out to play today. Its been an ongoing battle. When I'm walking with the arjoe its fine because with the momentum of my left leg I can just push the arjoe cuz its on wheels and I can drag my right foot along for the trip. But the walker Oooh! there's a different story. You see there are no helpful little wheels on it you must step every step. And today I walked 2 lengths of the gym faster than I ever have even with the arjoe but I did it with the walker. When we started on our voyage, I was like great, here we go again. When are these idiot therapists going to get it? DUH! My right leg doesn't play this game and what do you know it even shocked me. It was stepping along like "gees is this what you wanted me to do all along?" Before I knew it, we were at the end of the gym turning around. I couldn't believe I'd gone that fast. I know God is trying to teach me something with this whole thing, but what was His point with my right leg? Now all I need is for my left arm to wake up."

All these positive reports have brought me to a very important introduction to our fundraising campaign. As most of you know, Danny's participation in Beyond Therapy is not covered by insurance and costs between $700 and $850 a week. In addition, Danny still needs caregiving assistance for daily living needs categorized as custodial care, which is also not covered by insurance. Personal funding for Danny's on-going care and therapy is exhausted and thus we've teamed up with the National Transplant Assistance Fund (NTAF) and their catastrophic injury team.

The NTAF is a nonprofit organization, offering "fiscal accountability" and provides "patients and their families, friends and communities with the necessary tools to raise funds for uninsured injury-related expenses." Donations sent through the NTAF in Danny's honor are now tax deductible and used only for Danny's medical expenses. This organization is exactly what we've needed to offer you the benefit of a tax deduction and they will also assist in the marketing of upcoming fundraisers. We are also able to offer "gift in kind" donation forms from services given that result in donations in Danny's honor to NTAF. 96% of your donation goes directly to Danny's needs; a mere 4% administrative fee for the NTAF. Once a donation is received to the NTAF in Danny's honor, a Web site will be linked from NTAF in Danny's name and you'll be able to give online as well. Basically, this organization is the link we've been missing.

Danny has so much momentum in his progress right now; more than I've ever seen since his start in Beyond Therapy. It would be a disservice to him to have to withdraw because of funding. He would lose all that he has worked so hard for and his future would fall further out of his reach. Please help us keep Danny where he needs to be in Beyond Therapy and help us have a future that has a more normal looking face.

For information about NTAF, please visit www.catastrophicinjury.org. To make a donation by check 1. Make check payable to NTAF Southeast Brain Injury Fund, 2. In Memo section of check, print In Honor of Danny Diaz, and 3. Send to NTAF 150 N. Radnor Chester Road, Suite F-120 Radnor, PA 19087. To make a donation by Credit Card, please call 800-642-8399 or visit www.transplantfund.org.

Thank you for your consideration in making a donation towards Danny's future and the future of our family. Any financial help, no matter how large or small, will keep Danny on the road to walking again.

Memorial Ride Fundraiser & Other News

2008-10-22T14:41:00.012-04:00

Getting straight to business; below, you'll see the flyer for the "Ride for Beau for Danny" that is taking place this Sunday, October 26th.

Beau "Grits" Horner was a well loved employee at Killer Creek Harley Davidson who lost his life in a motorcycle accident a bit more than a year after Danny's. Since Danny is a long time friend and associate of Killer Creek, the folks there decided it best to honor two lives who greatly impacted the scene at KCHD. Therefore, the proceeds from the memorial ride will go to support Danny's continued participation in Beyond Therapy. And, we all know how much that has improved our lives! So, pass the information on to someone you know who rides, or just come hang out with us afterwards at Ethyl's. It'll be a fun night for everyone.

This isn't the first time the folks at Killer Creek have hopped on the hog, so to speak, to lend us a hand. In fact, just two months after Danny's accident, our friends organized a benefit ride. Danny was still at Shepherd, still not talking, moving or much of anything. We got permission from his doctor to take him outside for the ride as it passed by the hospital. I will never, ever forget the moment that those bikes started passing us. I watched Danny's face and you could see the realization wash over his face as he recognized what these riders were there for; they were there for him. Passing by, waving their hands, beeping their horns and revving their engines to show him their support. And, for the first time since his accident, Danny showed an emotion; he cried big tears, as I do now reliving that moment. It was a moment for me that confirmed my Danny was still inside, alive and aware. That moment means more to me than any of that money that was raised. It was priceless.

So, three years later, our friends are doing more of the same. Showing their support and having fun while doing it. I've been told that Beau would have wanted Danny to benefit from the memorial ride; he would have wanted Danny to succeed. I never met Beau, but Danny remembers him, so this means the world to him. If you come out on Sunday, you'll find Danny totally in his element; sporting his Harley shirt, shoes, wheelchair (it is orange and black and it does have the bar and shield logos on both sides), and Harley stickers all over the van. I tease him that he is a rolling advertisement for HD and we should be getting some kind of compensation for it. I guess, in a strange way, through this ride, we will be.

Moving on...updates, updates, updates!

The 3rd Annual Chopper Classic was held on Monday, October 6th. It was a beautiful day and we had a great time. For obvious economic reasons or election reasons, we didn't have as large a turn out as we've had before, but I believe those who played or who visited had fun and we raised some money at the same time. I haven't gotten the final numbers yet, but I believe we'll end up with between $3K - $4K. Danny's monthly care/therapy is about $6500, so every bit helps. Thank you to those of you who played, donated, planned, helped, prayed; whatever you did, we appreciate it! It does, in fact, take a village.

Danny has also done some new things of late and we're very excited. In his gaiting sessions, he has begun to use his hip flexor to actually lift his right foot, rather than use the momentum of the step with his left leg to pull his right leg through. It isn't consistent, but it is happening which leads us to believe that it can become more consistent. To help the hip flexor fire more, Danny has done a new exercise; crawling. I've included a photo so you can see exactly what it entails. Basically, with the support of the floor to take the weight off the leg, Danny can concentrate on just pulling the leg forward by "firing" from the hip. This exercise also helps with his balance and coordination and weight bearing for his left arm especially. All good things.

Danny has also, and I'm so excited to say, been able to do a complete sit up without pulling on anything, and from about a 28 degree incline. Well, he hasn't just done one, but many, many by now and I can tell all the ab work they've been doing with Danny is really paying off. They are so focused on getting his abs built up and firing consistently that they have replaced one pool session with more exercise based activity and more exercises are based on developing his trunk control. However, the issue remains; Danny's weight.

I am not one that is ignorant on healthy eating as I've had to watch my diet the majority of my life. I've done lots of reading and I love to cook, so I've researched lots of recipes. But, Danny's weight has become my biggest frustration. How long ago did I first mention Danny's weight problem? I mean, even when Danny began Beyond Therapy, I was excited that he'd finally be able to move some of that extra weight off. And, here we are, more than a year later and it's not moving. As I mentioned months ago, Danny's therapists believe that he could at least use a standard walker in the home environment if he were to lose the extra 40lbs. he carries around his middle. Hello, incentive! Well, we really hunkered down on the diet, weighed him every Friday at Shepherd and what is the result? He's lost five pounds, gone back up five pounds, down three, back up five. It's like a see-saw and I don't want to see anymore of what I saw!

Like anyone of us that tries a new diet for a couple weeks with no results, what do you think Danny wants to do? Quit! Exactly! He works out in Beyond Therapy nine hours a week and on his off days, does weight lifting exercises at home and we diet. What is going on? It's like his body is scared to let it go or something. So, we met with Dr. Kaelin.

Our appointment with Dr. Kaelin went well. He was happy with Danny's physical improvements. We discussed Danny's potential hearing loss. I said, WE DISCUSSED DANNY'S HEARING LOSS, for those of you like my husband that might say "what?" when I mention that. Danny gets to go get a hearing test and I'm so excited; perhaps I'll only have to repeat myself because Danny can't remember what I said, rather than the combination of can't remember and can't hear. And, of course, we discussed the diet. Dr. Kaelin wants to cut Danny's caloric intake to 1500 calories a day. Isn't that fun? Not that I have anything else to do, but now I have to count calories. Have you done that? I mean, in all my diet watching, I've never really taken the time to look at calories. It's amazing what you learn and what you find out you didn't want to learn. So, we go back to see Dr. K on New Year's Eve Day to check Danny's weight loss. If he hasn't lost a minimum of 12-15lbs., we get to talk about options.

Right now, the only option for Danny and the only option I'd be willing to do, is liposuction. Now, like some of you, I've watched a few seconds of those Discovery Channel episodes where they show some plastic surgeon shoving a long metal vacuum cleaner into the abdomen of some unconscious person. I cringe at that thought for Danny, but I've been assured that they don't go through the muscle which was my first concern. I mean, these ab muscles are just now getting there and now we're going to pierce right through them? No worries since they suck the fat between the skin and the muscle. Nice picture, right? Has everyone had lunch yet? Anyway, Danny, of course, says "let's do it now" so he doesn't have to suffer through 1500 calorie days, but I would really like to avoid putting Danny under anesthesia again, much less thinking about that long metal vacuum and the damage it could do.

So, PLEASE pray that Danny's body starts flushing out the fat, cause I'm about to put us all on bread and water, or chicken and water, or the rice diet, the grapefruit diet, the soup diet. Ahhh, the agony! Dramatic enough for you? But, seriously, this is a huge obstacle, pun intended and we're all tired of fighting the fat battle.

What else? What else? Oh, Corbin and I had a mini vacation this past weekend; just the two of us. He'd started not wanting to be away from me; crying when he went to the sitters and to school and even when we tucked him in at night, he didn't want me to leave. I figured it was about time to give him some much needed undivided attention from Mom. Thanks to Uncle Paul and Aunt Darlia, we headed up to Big Canoe and thoroughly enjoyed our time up in the mountains. We visited the pumpkin patch, took a hayride, ate hot boiled peanuts, apple fritters and warm apple donuts. We drank chocolate milk and apple cider and brought home stuff from all those places. It was a fun time just for the two of us to share together and I'm so thankful we were able to spend that time away. My husband missed us, but admittedly tells me he missed Corbin more than me. That's a given right? I mean, he is such a great kid. We are truly blessed. Here are a couple of pictures from our weekend.

Summing up, come out and hang with us on Sunday at Killer Creek and at Ethyl's, we had fun at the golf tourney, Danny's doing new stuff in therapy (praise the Lord), gotta kick the weight off him and this Mama enjoyed her weekend with her boy.

Love to you all!

Allison "riding on" Diaz

Bottoms Out!

2008-10-02T09:43:00.008-04:00

Considering my previous post was pretty, well, let's just say we could have titled it "Deep thoughts by Allison." So, I thought this post should be a bit more humorous so I've decided to share some rather telling scenes that have happened recently.

First of all, on September 20th, we celebrated Corbin and his 3rd birthday! It was such a fun day and he got lots of good presents. It was also the first time I think he really grasped the whole present tradition. He was really into it, but at the same time, it was important that he clean up the wrapping paper before moving on to the next gift. Everyone together now, "OCD." Now, some of you maybe pointing fingers at me and Danny, but seriously, this kid likes things to be in their place. I'm not complaining because it helps me out so much, but I just hope he isn't on some fainting couch at age 40 talking to his shrink about how he has bad dreams about things being out of order.

Okay, enough of my rambling and back to the Birthday Boy! Corbin is our first "Bottoms Out" contestant modeling his new Plasma Car that he received for his birthday from Grammy and Papa. I'd definitely say that he is the front runner at this point in the competition.

Next up, I'm afraid to say is me. While I am happy to report that I do not have a photo of this incident, I do believe, it has made an impression, at least on Corbin. A bit of background; Candy, Danny's therapist, had told Danny that she wanted him to be standing in his standing frame or sitting in a straight back chair the majority of time that he is at home. So, wanting to be in compliance with her instructions, I helped get Danny up in his standing frame, then sat him in an arm chair at the dinner table. It was the first time, he'd sat down to eat in a real chair and while he wasn't happy about it, we made it through dinner. Now comes the good part.

In order to get Danny back in his wheelchair, we performed a stand and pivot and needed to stand again to get his butt all the way back in the chair. So, up we stand and then, as I assist him to slowly sit down, I squat and suddenly, there was a cold breeze on my bum. My favorite summer weight denim J. Crew jeans that I have had since college and could only recently fit back into ripped down the crack and down both legs exposing my bum to my poor child forced to sit behind me and witness such a mooning.

Thankfully, we laughed and continued to laugh since Corbin began to desperately beg me to fix my pants with a look of concern spread across his cute face. I still laugh at this moment since Corbin has since asked me not to help Daddy stand up because my "pants will break."

Thankfully, the only soul to witness this exposure was Loida who was there to lend a hand in the transfer.

An update in the competition, I believe Corbin is still in the lead at this point, but our third contestant will be revealed in a few lines.

Last Saturday, we decided to break down and take Corbin to a much loved Georgia tradition; the North GA State Fair. And, since we were doing something new, we also decided to ride in a car rather than the van to which point Danny was very excited.

Corbin loved, loved, loved the fair. He went on a pony ride, saw an Albino Python (Mom closed her eyes as she held him up to see in the box), rode many rides and ate his first corn dog and funnel cake. It was a day to remember for sure. A few photos to commemorate....

Oh, the motorcycles! Like father, like son, what can I say? He rode the whole thing with a huge grin on his face while the kid in front of him, whose father was standing next to me, screamed bloody murder. I tried not to laugh while I stuck my chest out in pride for my undaunted child.

The fire engine was another careful selection on this ride of a variety of vehicles. I think it poignant that he is sporting his Georgia Bulldogs jersey and riding in the fire and rescue truck; the Dawgs sure did need someone to come to their aid on Saturday night. I think Corbin could have made fewer penalties.

And, lastly, the caterpillar roller coaster. By the way, Corbin is the kid in the red, in case you couldn't figure it out. Yet another kid sat, this time behind Corbin, crying and screaming for her daddy. So much so, the operator stopped the ride to let her off before letting the other kids finish their turn. Again, if I'd had buttons on my shirt, they'd have been busting.

Okay, I'm finally getting to our third contestant; my darling, husband. As I mentioned above, we'd ventured to take Aunt Kaki's car (Honda Element), to the fair rather than the huge van. This means, of course, we had to transfer Danny in and out of the car. Thankfully, although parking at the fair was in grass and gravel, we were able to pull right up to the front entrance/exit which was paved to unload/load Danny.

So we exited, all tired and worn slap out from the chaos, I mean fun, of the fair. Corbin is hopped up on homemade lemonade and powdered sugar and I'm just hoping this transfer into the car goes smoother than the loading at the condo.

Danny stood up fantastically, but the height of the Element seat, while much lower than most small to mid-size SUVs, was just high enough for Danny that he couldn't get much of a sit in before hitting the seat. Well, while I'm trying to get Danny to pivot so his butt is aimed at the seat I hear him say, "my pants are falling down." In my desperation and fear of reliving past fallings, I respond with a firm "I don't care if your pants are falling as long as you don't fall."

It's then that I realize the seriousness of the situation when I feel Danny shorts slip down his legs. I look down seeing him standing strong, in his briefs, with his shorts pooled at his ankles. He, of course, begins to laugh and I make a quick scan of the many people going into and exiting the fair who have seen this happen, but are trying not to watch the train wreck. Mothers are covering their children's eyes and men are seeing, but don't want to get caught checking out another man in his underpants. I'm snapped back to reality and thankful that Danny stopped laughing long enough that I could reach down and scoot his shorts back up in position. At this point, I just wanted to get him in the car and leave. I was done, but once we got home, we all laughed together and Danny said "you have to write this in the blog." And, there it is, our Bottoms Out Contest.

So, as a recap; Contestant #1 is Corbin with naked plasma car riding, Contestant #2 is me with my new air conditioned denim jeans and Contestant #3 is Danny for dropping draws at the State Fair. Please vote responsibly.

As I close this long and hopefully light hearted entry, I'd like to remind everyone that the 3rd Annual Chopper Classic Golf Tournament is this Monday, October 6th. It is supposed to be a gorgeous day with temperatures topping out at 76, with low humidity and a slight breeze. Come out and join us for all the fun and fellowship. Go to http://www.tgusa.org/ and click on Aflac Chopper Classic for details.

Thank you all! I'll update again next week with more recovery focused information.

Honor

2008-09-11T09:40:00.003-04:00

Today brings a mix of emotions as I'm sure it does for many of you. Personally, on a day where so many lives were changed in an instant, I am brought back in time to September 11, 2001 and brought back to August 16, 2005.

Certainly not minimizing the tragedy of September 11 and the thousands of lives lost and changed, but I am reminded of how our own lives changed so suddenly. I give honor to their memory and I empathize with those that lost for I too lost.

September 11, 2001 was going to be a special day for me as I was scheduled to pose for my bridal portrait. Perhaps you can see how I tie this day in with our marriage, the start of our life together and how that led to the sharp end of one life and the very different beginning of another. Oh, how I wish I could go back in time and tell that young couple to soak up every moment together, to make each day special and to always cling tightly to each other for life was going to change for them. There would one day be loss and it would come much sooner than they would expect. It wouldn't be in old age with a gradual decline in health; it would be in the midst of a beautiful change, the pending birth of their first child, that tragedy would strike. Life pays no mind to right timing.

As many wives lost their husbands that day, I too lost mine over three years ago. I'm not sure you understand or can comprehend the abrupt change in Danny. You may say or think that Danny lives; how can I ever feel anything other than joy? The truth is that I mourn many things because of the events of August 16Th; I miss my husband that never took no for an answer, who self taught himself the art of everything, who was good at all things and who was determined to succeed and provide. I miss the man that I had to touch while we slept, the man who stood just tall enough that I could stand underneath his chin while we embraced, the man who was proudly showing off 3D ultrasound pictures of Corbin and the man that never got to see his son born or knowingly hold him to his chest and smell that sweet newborn baby. I mourn the loss of the father Danny expected to be for Corbin and I mourn for Corbin because of his loss. Although Corbin knows no different, I do and Danny does. I miss the life we had and the life I envisioned with the birth of Corbin. Those dreams were shattered, as Danny was, by a red Chevy Astro van and the man that made a bad choice.

The qualities that attracted me to Danny in 1999, well, actually I was attracted to him as a friend much earlier than that, but I digress. Those qualities do appear in post-accident Danny, but not like they did before. After the accident, I heard that the toughest part of a brain injury and the affect on relationships, was a change in personality. I didn't see it for a long time and I remember being excited when I saw Danny move with the same mannerisms. It gave me hope that Danny hadn't changed. But, what is unfair to Danny, is that I expected him to remain the same, yet I didn't. No one that has been touched by this accident is the same. Our families are certainly not the same because they too mourn the loss of their son, brother, nephew and uncle and the dreams they had for him. Our friends have changed too, which we were told to expect. Friends and family have each had to deal with this tragedy on their own; some have done better than others.

So, I had expectations that as before, Danny would dive into this unfair altercation and face it head on, knocking his recovery out of the park like he did everything else in his life. How unfair of me; and I still struggle with it more than anything. And, the question looming in the back of my mind is will he ever be who he was before, only better from overcoming such adversity? Yet, worry does no good; it does not add to our lives and it does not change outcomes. I have to continue to give that one back to the Lord and trust Him with Danny. It's hard, though. My prayer is that the Lord will awaken the dead areas of Danny's brain for literally, all hope lies there. I fervently pray that Danny will return to us wholly restored. A bone that is broken and then set heals stronger than it was before and that is what I want for Danny; for him to be a better man than before, a better husband, father, son, brother, and friend. It's a hard thing to imagine a better Danny; he was so great before.

So, on this day of honoring those that were lost on this day seven years ago, I honor my husband who was lost and still feels lost from himself and from the life he knew. Bear with me for a few lines.

Danny, this is the first time, I write directly to you on this blog. I know you are probably struggling to read this, holding a piece of mail under each line to make it through or you'll ask me to read it to you. I don't tell you enough how proud I am of you. I have set unrealistic expectations of you to be all that I need you to be for me and for Corbin and have not given you time to deal with this yourself. For that, I apologize. I know right now, you're saying that I have nothing to apologize for, but I know I do. I know that as you told me before your accident, you'd rather be dead that stuck in that wheelchair. And, yet, you still choose to keep going. Although recovery is slow, although you feel like you're going mad, although you can't remember the simplest things sometimes and you feel stupid, you keep going. You do have a choice and I applaud you for choosing to press on towards your goal, our goal. There is courage there, there is determination, there is the man that never says no. I can see that man when you force your legs to step, when you adjust your weight to stay upright and I can even see that man when you ask me about the future, wondering just where this will end. I see you worry about providing for your family, I see a man who doesn't want this to beat him down, who is determined to get back on the horse, the steel horse that is. I see in you a father that is torn between two worlds, but that keeps trying to be the right kind of father. For all these things, I admire you and I love you. I do not know where I'd be now if you were not a part of my life; no, correction, you are my life. You are my breath, my heartbeat, my mind, my hands, my feet, my hope, my future; all these things lie in you. So, know this, you are not alone because I sit with you in that wheelchair of a prison, I fight with you for each step, I fight with you to take your life back and I fight with you to overcome the deficits in your mind. In a word, as we bring honor to the Lord with our lives, I honor you and I am honored to be your wife. It is a difficulty I could not face without you and as I said to you on Thanksgiving Day 2001, when you would hardly whisper a word, you keep knocking from your side and I'll keep knocking from mine. We'll eventually meet in the middle. Thanks for continuing to knock.

I apologize for those of you reading this; perhaps you feel it inappropriate that I address Danny directly, but really, it's long overdue. This way, too, whenever he doubts in himself, or doubts in me, he can go back and read the words and hopefully, find a bit of reassurance.

Today, I merely wanted to bring honor to the lost and honor to the living, but ultimately honor to the Lord. It is only through Him that we have another day to do battle for the greater good. He is truly able to take what Satan meant for evil and make it something beautiful. One day, Danny and I will look back and see the roads we've traveled and what a beautiful painting it will be.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me enough hope to get through each day, for giving me the opportunity to cling to you for all provision, for showing me the true meaning of I Am that I Am. I look forward to seeing you reveal yourself more and more through this journey and I am humbled to be given a story so great and the strength to live it to the end.

To God be the glory forever and ever, Amen.

Golf Tournament Update

2008-09-04T15:31:00.002-04:00

I am excited to say that we've been able to reschedule the golf tournament for a more suitable date of October 6th, 2008. It seems a double blessing as we'll have more time to secure your registrations and sponsorships and the greens at Eagle Watch will have more time to recover following their annual aeration.

So, please update your calendars to reflect the new date of October 6th! If you were meaning to register or sponsor, please do so now so we can plan accordingly. I've also been asked if we are a non-profit; we are not! However, it was brought to my attention that if you're a business because you will have your logo on display at the tournament, you can write off the donation as marketing expenses.

Lastly, if you do not golf or do not wish to sponsor, but would rather donate directly to us, you can do so two ways: (1) go to http://www.dannyandallison.com/ and click on 'Donate Now,' or (2) you can mail a check to P.O. Box 420735 Atlanta, GA 30342. If you have any questions about what your donation go towards or any general questions, please feel free to ask!

We could not be where we are today without the countless people that give in numerous ways. So, I thank you for your prayers, your giving and you continuous support.

I'll post more fun stuff next week!

School Days

2008-09-03T12:39:00.005-04:00

Today marks a big first for our family; Corbin's first day of school! It was a bit hurried this morning, getting myself ready and then cornering Corbin to get him dressed, fed and out the door and to school on time. However, we were successful!

I was a tad bit anxious about the moment of separation and wouldn't you know, my boy didn't let me down. Coupled with the fact that Mom was leaving him with strangers and the fact that he's been sick (more on that momentarily) made my anxiety grow all the more. You see, his teachers actually come out to the car and get him out of his seat to take him into the school. I love the idea and I'm sure it saves a lot of tears at the classroom door and also keeps parents and kids from walking through the parking lots while childless cars leave to get to their office or local Starbucks.

So, I hung my large "Hey, Corbin is in this car" sign on my rear view mirror, took a deep breath and waited to see how Corbin responded to Ms. Deb approaching his door. Well, Ms. Deb must have known exactly how to get Corbin comfortable; "Good morning, Corbin" in her most southern accent that I, a home grown Atlanta girl, even have to really listen sometimes. "We're going to stay outside and ride in the cars for awhile." Corbin took her hand, his bag and never looked back.

I suppose, though, had there been tears, I would also have cried all the way to Starbucks, I mean, work. But, since my big, almost three year old boy boldly went along ignoring all the crying classmates, he made me proud. Watch it; now, on Friday, they'll have to pull him away from the car door, kicking and screaming.

Oh, and about him being sick. Well, he started with runny nose and watery eyes on Friday so I automatically concluded it as allergies. But, on Sunday, he started with a fever so off to Urgent Care we went and found that low and behold, the Boy has the beginnings of an ear infection. Luckily, with the antibiotics, he's a new boy and obviously wasn't as anxious about the first day of school as I was.

I had to take pictures before we loaded up in the car since I knew I wasn't allowed to get out of the car at school.

On an end note, please pray for the golf tournament as we have had NO registrations yet and it's less than three weeks away. If we don't have a big rush here shortly, we'll have to look at later dates which can mean colder and rainier weather and less turnout. If you have meant to sign up and haven't yet, DO IT NOW please at http://www.tgusa.org/. We decided not to print brochures this year to save on expenses, but I can email you an electronic version if you'd like.

Thanks!

Stepping On...

2008-08-24T20:15:00.017-04:00

The video above was captured a couple weeks ago (August 13th) and shows remarkable improvement from the last video of Danny using the standard walker. No? This day Corbin was there watching so perhaps Danny was just showing off for him, but I heard too that Corbin was cheering on his daddy.

On top of that, the following Monday, August 18th, Danny attempted and accomplished car transfers. It was an exciting day for me as riding in a car has been the barometer for Danny's personal view of improvement. The day he can ride along as a "normal person" is the day he will know he is improving. Well, Danny transferred in and out of my car twice and did fabulously. It was the look on his face that you should have seen, though. He was so excited, so pumped and actually took over telling the rest of us what to do to help him in the car. See the picture of Danny sitting in my car for the first time in over three years.

Yesterday, Monday, Danny actually rode with me in my car for the first time! He said he finally felt like a normal person.

I've also included a picture of Danny standing on The Wave machine. I'm not sure if I've commented on this machine in previous posts, but it is tough. The premise is this; the platform vibrates extremely fast sending thousands of signals to the brain and throughout the body. So, while standing or kneeling on this platform, performing a particular activity, the patient is actually "in the air" for fractions of seconds. The effect is intriguing as this machine is what Danny actually says wears him out the most. In the picture, he is actually standing and doing mini squats, standing with one arm at his side and then performing weight shifts.

Also, as we continue on to great improvement, I'm proud to say that Danny has had his first session on the manual treadmill. Let me describe this; Danny is harnessed and suspended over a treadmill and unlike the Lokomat that moves his legs for him, on the manual, Danny, assisted with his therapists, steps on his own. This happened yesterday and I was very encouraged by his performance and the comments from his therapists. Obviously, the cadence was something to be figured out in Danny's brain and he actually improved throughout the session. Where Danny had been controlling his timing, being able to think through the motions, on the treadmill, his brain and his body had to keep up with the speed.

I did have a picture here to show you, but it has disappeared for some reason. Anyway, in the picture Danny is concentrating on the activity of walking. There is actually a mirror in front of him so he can see what he needs to correct. As I mentioned before, the cadence of the motion is something new for Danny. While he thinks about straightening one leg, shifting his weight and stepping, he's also have to do tell both legs to do different things at the same time. This will be good evidence to how well Danny's brain is working and how it is connecting to his body. According to his therapists, it was a great first session and they were happy with how his trunk control is coming along. If the right leg would just wake up a bit more, in addtion to the weight issue.

As I've mentioned before, Danny has been strongly encouraged to lose weight in order to speed up his recovery. It's been a battle to say the least in several ways. First of all, really the only thing that Danny doesn't need assistance with is eating and ordering. So, it's difficult to reign him in on the one thing that he has control over, yet at the same time firmly plant the benefits of dieting in his brain so he's not looking for immediate gratification in comfort food. Needless to say, we've had many an arguement over the sugar content in sweet tea. Secondly, Danny has always carried his weight around his middle and has always needed to exercise in order to lose a substantial amount of weight. I liken it to we women trying to lose the caboose or the saddle bags especially after childbirth; it's difficult to say the least.

I was approached by the BT Coordinator a couple of weeks ago concerning this seemingly neverending problem. At that time, they were wanting to get him on the manual treadmill, but it has a weight limit. They were concerned that Danny would exceed that; obviously, as you can read above, he doesn't. However, they have begun to weigh him every Friday and have constructed an exercise program for him to perform on his off days. According to the therapists, when Danny began in Beyond Therapy, nine hours a week of exercise was sufficient for him. However, at this point, he needs much more than that. So, to Danny's credit, he has worked out on his off days since they gave him the program and I have been cooking more at home to hopefully cut out and control calorie intake; cause I needed something else to think about, right? Down to the bottom line is this; if Danny doesn't show weight lose in a month by reducing calories and adding exercise, we have to talk about "alternative measures" to get the weight off of him.

The weight is a significant, if not the only reason that Danny is not more independent physically. The therapists told me that Danny could be using a walker around the home environment and only using a wheelchair for the community. Basically, if Danny loses weight, he's already equipped physically to get himself around rather than depend on the rest of us. This is a huge issue and is my highest and most important prayer request. Please pray that Danny will see the fruits of his labor, that the Lord would speed up his metabolism and that the weight would start falling off of him.

Other News

We have a sitter for Corbin! I'm very excited and blessed by Ms. Lynda and it was incredibly obvious that the Lord had picked her for our family. Corbin spent his first week with her last week and was eager to go back this week which is a good sign. Corbin loves going to Ms. Lynda's house especially since she has two dogs who Corbin just loves. Thank you all for your prayers and suggestions.

I have solar shades! We were able to install them this weekend and although I know we need the rain, I'm eager to see how well the shades work with the sun shining.

We also ran into a long time friend who Danny actually worked with in construction who is building our cornices for us. Now all I have to do is cover them, so I'm working on that angle.

Corbin saw his first movie, Wall-E and just loved it. Although, he didn't sit still ever, I was glad we were the only ones in the theater. He asked to leave once, but now he asks me when we're going to see another movie.

Corbin starts preschool next week and he's very excited, and so are we. Tonight, we have a Parents' Meeting and then tomorrow, we get to tour his classroom and meet his teachers.

Golf tournament is still open for registration. Go to http://www.tgusa.org/ for details and online registration for your foursome or sponsorship.

Lastly, a fun moment happened this week; Corbin got in the shower with Danny. It was so cute seeing them in there together. Although there wasn't much room since Danny was in his shower chair, Corbin squeezed in just fine.

Stress

2008-08-13T13:43:00.002-04:00

Stress. It comes in many forms. This week it reveals itself as two pimples on my face. I call one of them "Childcare" and the other "Anniversary."

Saturday, August 16th marks the 3rd anniversary of Danny's accident. I hate it. Life wasn't supposed to look like this. I'm focusing on the childcare issue and money, Danny and the anniversary, the pressures of this life and I hate it. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I shouldn't be having to place my kid in someone else's home and trust them to do the job that I want to do. In effect, I'm a single parent since Danny isn't employed and can't watch Corbin on his own. It stinks!

Of course, I can't tell him that because he already feels worthless and so much of a burden. So, I don't even feel that I can share with my husband all that I'm feeling because he takes it all on himself. The one person on the face of the earth that I should be able to be completely vunerable with and all my sharing does is make him more miserable. Makes you just want to lie down on the couch of sharing, doesn't it? "Here, honey. A list of all the reasons our lives are difficult, but really it has nothing to do with you. Don't take it personally." Not happening!

And, since I feel so great today (can you hear the sarcasm?), I've decided to bulletpoint updates.

Last week, Danny was able to walk the length of the basketball court with a standard walker with only two helpers. Amazing! And, he did it in five minutes. He looked great and even commented that after watching the video, he finally sees some improvement.
On Monday, I'm taking my car for us to work on car transfers with Candy. Danny is really looking forward to it. I'm just praying he's able to do it easily.
It seems like we have a very good opportunity for childcare, but we're still working on the details. We've met her and really liked her and we're checking out her house this evening. My only hiccup is making our ends meet which leads me to my next point.
GA Victims' Compensation Program is working on deciding how much our one lump sum benefit will be/pay out. No final decision has been made though. At least, it sounds a bit positive right? So, hopefully, we can get some cash and pay off our debt, which makes me want to vomit every month. I'd like to not have that feeling on a regular basis.
Solar roller shades have been ordered thanks to an anonymous donation and are on their way. And, I've actually had several possible leads for people to make the cornices and install. Thanks for all your suggestions!
Golf tournament is scheduled, online registration is up. I should have some printed brochures this week, but for now, you can register online at www.tgusa.org.
For those of you that don't golf, but maybe enjoy a car show or bike show, our friends at Killer Creek are planning another benefit ride ending with a car and bike show. Danny will be the judge! At this point, the only detail I have is that they're planning for October 26th, the day before our wedding anniversary.
Corbin starts school next month!
Corbin is fabulous as always and we love him so very much. Apparently, he loves us too as he said the other morning out of the blue, "I love you guys." How cute is that?

I'm not sure how to end this today and I'm very sad. I'm ready for this chapter, this book to be over. For now, all that is over is this blog entry.

Random acts of fun and function

2008-07-29T10:39:00.015-04:00

Function #1: Find a Nanny/Home Care for Corbin

Do you see this precious little boy in this picture where he is truly filling his Daddy's shoes? Well, he needs someone to have fun with while Mommy is at work. I know I've mentioned it previously, but we're getting down to the wire and I've no idea what I'm going to do with Corbin. I'd like to either have someone come into our home or Corbin to go to a home care situation with some other kids his age. The time frame would be 8am - 6pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Wednesdays from Noon-6pm.

Our situation is out of the ordinary to say the least. We're not a cookie cutter, dual income home with a dog and Baby #2 on the way. We're different; not in a bad way, just different. So, here are my parameters: This person/home must be a Christian, a true caregiver at heart, sensitive to our situation and comfortable with our differences. I need someone that is dependable, on-time and eager to help in whatever way they can. If this person comes into our home, I need help with light cleaning (i.e. bathrooms and kitchen) and someone to do Corbin's laundry. I want Corbin to have fun, be loved and protected, to be encouraged to explore and also to spend time with Daddy. And, I need references.

So, if you are that person, home or know of someone or someplace in the Smyrna/Vinings area, PLEASE help! I also work in Sandy Springs, so that area may be an option as well.

Function #2: Golf Tournament

As you can see from the brochure picture, we've laid the foundation for the 3rd Chopper Classic. Registration is now open at http://www.tgusa.org/ and you can find more information about the tournament there.

Danny and I are so thankful for all that people do for us. This event is the only fundraising effort during the year and we're hoping to raise money to 1. Keep Danny in Beyond Therapy ($832.14 a week), 2. Pay for Corbin's Preschool and childcare, 3. Pay off remaining debts from furnishings and appliances for our new condo and 4. SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!

We understand that your donations mean all that much more during these crucial economic and political times and for that we're ever more grateful for your sacrifice to help us build our lives back up and prepare for our futures. God Bless you all for whatever you're led to give.

Should you not wish to play or sponsor, you can always donate at http://www.dannyandallison.com/ and click on "Donate Now." Thank you!

Function #3: Get Window Coverings

See this beautiful view? The windows straight ahead face west where we daily get the blessing of the sunset. While this is so beautiful, we also get the unfortunate heat from the sun pouring into our condo all afternoon raising our power bill each month.

I'd like to have 18" cornices built and installed over each section of windows (there are three including the one you can't see in the dining area) for which I already have the fabric. Then, I'd like solar shade to cover the western windows to help keep money in our pocketbook.

I have dealt with two interior decorators that truly have good hearts, but for their own personal reasons, have trouble in time management. While each have promised good deals, it's not such a good deal when I've been waiting since February and watching my electric bill rise. So, does anyone out there know of a good place, reasonably priced that can come finish my windows? I'm going to order/install the solar shades myself, but need the cornices built, covered and installed. My wallet appreciates it as does my new couch that I hope has not faded too much.

Now onto FUN!

Fun #1: Danny has a birthday!

Danny celebrated his 33rd birthday all week long, it seemed, but he does deserve it. Danny is a sushi fiend and so that is what he wanted on his birthday and for his birthday party.

We and a bunch of actively involved friends, ventured to Nagoya in Roswell for a very fun filled evening. The picture of Danny is perfect. It was so nice to see him laugh like that and have that sparkle in his eye that I haven't seen much over the past almost three years. It was a encouraging surprise to see this smile. Here are a few more pictures from the evening.

Geisha-Danny and Samurai-Corbin with the birthday cake. Oh, I'm there too.

And, Corbin cheering on our chef!

Fun #2: Parallel bars in the water

Danny recently started using parallel bars in the water at therapy. The pictures above were from his second day using them. He didn't do that great walking this day, but last Friday, he did an amazing job. It was something he had to get used to; stepping, sliding his hands and then shifting his weight to step again. He finally got the rhythm of it and did a great job especially since no one is holding onto him while he was doing this.

Also, I received an email from Candy last week with an update on Danny's progress. I've included two excerpts from it below:

"He took ~6 steps independently (w/bioness) with the right leg on Monday of this week. He actually completely cleared the ground with the foot and took GREAT steps before he fatigued."

"Also, I wanted to schedule time to work on car transfers with you all. I'm usually not in center on Fridays so I was wondering if you were available to come some other time during the week so that we could actually practice with your car?"

Okay, so the man took about six steps with the right leg! Now, to explain how quickly this has happened; On, Monday, July 7Th, Corbin and I went to see Danny gait (see previous blog entry) where he was able to initiate each step with his right leg. Basically, this means, he was picking up his right heel but needed help to pull the leg through. On Friday, July 18Th, I was able to see Danny gait with the Argo again. At that time, he was able to pull his right leg even to his left and now, on July 21st he is pulling his leg all the way through. I'd say that out of every improvement, this seems to be the quickest. Isn't that great?

And now, to actually be able to schedule working on transfers in/out of my car! I know Danny is really looking forward to it and I'll be sure to let you all know when that is going to happen. I'll probably video and take pictures so expect those at some point too.

Keep praying for Danny's improvement, specifically his upper body and it's muscles to engage. Danny's upper body control is the biggest factor that is preventing him from more independence. He can have all the leg strength in the world, but if he doesn't have any core stability, he isn't going to walk.

Also, please pray for his mind and attitude. This defeated view that he perceives is a daily battle to overcome and work through.

I know this has been a long post and I apologize for taking up so much time, but there were so many important issues to share and good news too.

Remember to pray for childcare for Corbin, golf tournament/donations, help with windows and to praise for the progress Danny is making.

We love you all! Thanks for reading!

Surprise! I'm back home!

2008-07-10T15:16:00.005-04:00

Few of you knew, but Mama Eagle and Baby Eagle (that would be me and Corbin) headed west to Arizona to surprise my father for his 60Th birthday. Sorry to mention your real age, Dad, but no one would believe me if I said you were turning 40.

Thankfully, we were able to pull off the big surprise and I was able to catch it all on video. The picture is of Papa and all his boys; Davis, 6, Brett, 4, and Corbin bringing up the rear at almost 3.

My mom was able to arrange for Dad to have most of the week off of work and she was off too, so we got to spend a bunch of time together as a family and Corbin got lots of time with his cousins. Their favorite thing to do was play in the pool together. Corbin isn't a swimmer yet, but he wasn't afraid to get in the middle of the big boys. See the picture below.

Corbin also came home with some new words that he now thinks are so silly. I won't go into details, but if you have had boys their age around, you know everything is about bodily functions.

I was able to relax a bit. My parent's neighbor is a massage therapist and I got two sessions with her. She is so good, but I was really sore after the second one because she really loosened everything up so well.

My sister-in-law blessed me with clothes from her closet, which is pretty much like buying new clothes since she tends to buy more than she wears. She also gave me more clothes that the boys had outgrown for Corbin, so we are set for awhile. Thanks, Kari!

While Corbin and I were in Arizona, Danny stayed in Atlanta and worked hard at therapy. He also had fun with different activities; poker with the boys, dinners out, dominoes and pool side chillin'. He, of course, called often to say how much he missed us and was eagerly awaiting our return. He met us at the airport and busted out in tears when he saw us. When we got back to the condo, it was clean and I had beautiful roses from my husband. It was a refreshing return.

Of course, as usual, our life is pretty topsy-turvy and flexibility is a must, so things this week have returned to our version of normal. I'm still looking for someone to nanny Corbin the days I work and then we're also preparing for several life events. Danny is in a wedding this weekend, it's his brother's birthday, his parent's anniversary and then on Tuesday, it's his birthday. If you think about it, send an email on the 15Th wishing him a happy day. Hector and Loida are also planning to vacation for their anniversary, so we're making sure we have help the days we need it.

Corbin and I were able to visit Danny at therapy on Monday. We were there for his walking session with Candy and I was incredibly impressed with his continuous improvement on a weekly basis. I was able to video it, but I haven't had time to get it to where I can post it here. I will, just give me a week. Anyway, he is now initiating every step with the right leg which is the weaker of the two. His left leg is great; in fact, they don't put any electric stimulation on that leg/knee anymore. Danny has also been walking/gaiting twice a week lately instead of once which is a good sign that it is a big benefit. Candy set a new goal for Danny and that is to be able to use only the standard walker for gaiting therapy by September 7Th. No more Argo! Please pray that all parts of Danny's body continue to re-learn how to work together to be most effective in therapy.

Lastly, before I close, I have golf tournament information! Mark your calendars for Monday, September 22Nd for a great day at Eagle Watch Golf Club in Woodstock, GA. You can register online at www.tgusa.org. Click on the tournament titled "Aflac Chopper Classic." I'm not sure if the link is up yet, but it should be soon. Sponsorship is as follows: Hole Sponsor-$500, Team Sponsor - $750, VIP Sponsor - $1,000, Corporate Sponsor - $2,000 and Foundation Sponsor - $3,000. If you'd like to donate to our cause without playing in the tournament, you can do so at www.dannyandallison.com and click on "Donate Now."

I should have some more video up soon. I am going to attempt to insert the video we presented at last year's tournament and of course, I'll continue to put clips of Danny's progress.

Thank you!

Walking Forward June 25, 2008

2008-06-24T13:17:00.011-04:00

All things going to plan, you should see the videos that I promised in my previous update. The first clip is of Danny walking with the Argo; you've also heard me refer to it as "gaiting." Candy is the one sitting on the stool behind him. Notice his left leg is moving independently and that he is able to initiate the step with his right leg.

The second clip is of Danny walking with the standard walker and a host of therapists assisting him. I'm proud to say that this was only the second time they'd attempted a standard walker and since then, he's improved with it.

Praise the Lord! These videos are outdated already. These two videos were taken the latter part of May 2008. According to Candy, Danny is improving each and every time they gait and she is encouraging him to stand at home without the assistance of his standing frame. She wants him to pull up on the sink or something stable and for him to what I'll call "free stand" for as long as he can for an entire hour. She believes this is what will put him over the edge in his quest for independence. I'm also happy to report that she wants to schedule some time for me to come with my car and they will practice transfers into the car with Danny. He is so excited and if you'll recall, this was a major goal for him. He doesn't want to have to ride in a vehicle while seated in his wheelchair. Should he be able to do this, it would be a sign of marked improvement and something that Danny can hold on to as a daily reminder to continue his fight.

I'm so proud of him and he doesn't even realize it. He often feels like he'd rather not be here, not burden me or his family with his disability, that Corbin deserves a better father. The pictures below are from Father's Day. I think Corbin feels right at home with his Dad and the pictures will speak to that end.

I love this series of photos. It is such a sweet moment that I was able to peak into and share. Now, you get to share it too. I encourage Danny to remember that this sweet little boy doesn't know that his Daddy is different; he just knows he's his Dad and that he loves him. Danny has a great opportunity to teach Corbin how to persevere through adversity just as we have the opportunity to show him what true commitment is all about. I certainly pray that the Lord will honor us in our devotion by continuing to protect Corbin from the "bad" in all of this. There are those moments that Danny's mind goes somewhere else in his anger or when Mommy cries because it all becomes too overwhelming or when she just misses her husband. My sweet Corbin is resilient, drying my tears and bringing me a Band Aid. I couldn't ask for anything more in my darling child. The Lord has truly blessed us.

Life continues to move whether we decide to stand still or not. Sometimes I feel like I'm in this weird existence like those movie clips of someone standing on a busy street corner while all those that pass them are blurred with motion. That is where I am. Friends buy second homes or have second children, get a promotion or a new job, take vacations easily and make purchases confident that their dual income home will remain as such. Yet, our lives feel like they're on hold; a space-time continuum, not that I know what that means, but it sounds very "Back to the Future." I certainly wish I could climb in that DeLorean and see where we are five years from now. Wouldn't it make this so much easier if I knew the outcome?

Danny fell asleep the other night rather quickly, but the last thing that came out of his mouth was "I just wish someone would tell me." I didn't pursue the conversation, rather waited for him to continue, but he fell asleep before there was more. I knew exactly what he meant. If we knew what tomorrow held, then it would make today easier to bear. Danny also told me out of the blue that he feels that he is in prison and no one has told him the length of his sentence. Crazy that he could pinpoint it so eloquently and perfectly. We're imprisoned to this disability with no one telling us when the end will come, or if it will ever come at all. Of course, imprisonment is a state of mind too, yet does Danny's brain have the ability to change it's point of view, it's state of mind. Can he overcome such frustration? Can I?

I keep waiting on something; pushing through each day waiting for salvation. I wonder at times where this will lead; what God's plan for all this chaos will be. How does He plan to wrap up all the loose ends or will there always be some dangling out there for remembrance sake? There are so many promises in His Word to stand on, but at times it feels like all I can do is dig my fingernails into them, beat my fist on them and cry out to the Lord making sure he remembers what He said. Of course, an ever present foundation is that His timing is perfect, He will continue His work until the day of completion, He will quiet the storm. I'm ready for the stillness after the storm because I'm getting awfully nauseous.

Perhaps this rambling makes no sense to you, perhaps there is no purpose except the marbles rolling around in my noggin needing to get out and perhaps Blogger should load video faster so I don't have time to ponder so much.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support. I'm sure there are times you'd wish us to go away; trust me, we wish we weren't stuck in this wilderness either. But, for a season, we are and we're glad to have the support of our family, friends, strangers and those that just happen by the blog. May God bless you in your own trials for I know all of us have a story to tell and prayers to solicit.

xt time and next videos....

Allison

Keep On Keeping On! June 10, 2008

2008-06-10T10:41:00.018-04:00

This is a test. A test of Allison's technical skills. Hopefully, all things going well, you should be able to see a short video of Danny at Beyond Therapy. In this video, Danny is working on "sit to stands" using a standard walker. The two therapists are holding onto a gait belt to give Danny a boost and keep him steady while he stands. Otherwise, the work is all on Danny. I'm especially proud of him considering he did this move for one full hour, over and over again. This video was shot near the end of that hour.

Should this video work, my next task is to get some feed from my video camera of Danny walking with the Argo and standard walker for you all to view. It is simply amazing!

We've had some milestones reached since I posted in April! Oh, my goodness, I can't believe it's been that long. I know it seems like the same song and dance routine I've been giving for awhile, but honestly, I get tired of only having the small steps to report. I want BIG ones and I know you want to hear them too. Perhaps, though, I should just keep my mouth shut or my fingers controlled to be thankful for small steps because they are steps nonetheless. Okay, enough of the pep talk, I think I'm ready to begin.

Danny is now walking laps with the Argo walker. Yesterday, he walked two laps of the gym and then walked full court with a standard walker. Yes, you read that correct. Now, he does need quite a bit of assistance while walking with the standard walker, but the first times he walked with the Argo, it took five people too. Now, it only takes two! So, I'm happy!

In the video I'm hoping to post, Danny is using his left leg all on his own and the right leg he is able to pull through the majority of the time without much assistance. This is huge improvement and I know it's a matter of time before this chapter is over, but I'm ready for it and I know he is too.

The therapists have set some goals for Danny: (1) to be able to walk 50ft with a standard walker with minimal assistance and (2) to be able to transfer himself. The goal is set for the end of August, so keep your knees on the ground and your voice towards heaven that the Lord would show favor towards Danny and give him the strength and give his brain the ability to control his body and his body to listen.

They're also targeting his abs and we're still tackling the weight. Danny is down to 240lbs. which is a big improvement for him and I'm hoping that with summer, he'll have the desire to continue to choose healthy food and drink lots of water!

Corbin is making changes of his own. All of the sudden about five weeks ago, he started to freak out at bed time; night or day, it did not matter. On our first night of frustration, he screamed for 30 minutes and I mean the kind of screaming that makes you gag and cough because you've done it so hard. It was during this escapade that he figured out how to crawl out of his crib. I'd punish him and put him back and he'd just climb right out again. It was a futile fight and at 2am I gave in and brought him to bed with us. Yes, I hear all you parents out there moaning that I shouldn't do that. However, as someone with so much to take care of and so little rest anyway, some sleep was better than no sleep. The problem was that whenever Danny woke up, so did Corbin, so it wasn't really a solution and since I was concerned with him falling on the hardwood floors when crawling out of his crib, we decided it was time for the Big Boy Bed! The picture is before his first night in his new bed.

Thus far, we've slowly moved away from Corbin asking me to "rock yourself" while he falls asleep and then sneaking away like I did when he was a baby. The last four or five nights, he has fallen asleep on his own and I'm so thankful for that.

Corbin has another first in this update. Today, Corbin went to his first summer day camp. It is at the church where he'll be attending preschool this fall. He will go three days this week, next and the last week in July. He was all pumped up about it, especially playing musical instruments like the Little Einsteins. I just hope they do music since I totally made that up to get him excited. The closer we got to the church, the less he wanted to go, but on my last look, he was alright. This is Corbin so happy his mom made him look into the sun to take a picture of him going to a camp he wasn't so happy about going to after she had to wake him up to get him ready to leave the house.

Corbin is the popular one in this update, which isn't much different than it is at home. He also has news regarding his sitter. Ileana, Danny's cousin that has kept Corbin since he was six weeks old, has moved on to a new opportunity and we're happy for her. She has been a "constant" in Corbin's life for so long, giving him structure in our at times chaotic environment. We wish her the best and know that since she's family, she's never really out of the picture.

This leads me to a prayer request. I need to find someone more permanent for him. It's a blessing that it is summer and I can help some trustworthy youth from our church while they help me with Corbin. However, I will have to have someone new in place in the next month or so. Corbin starts preschool in September, going Monday, Wednesday and Fridays until noon and then I work still Tuesdays through Thursdays. So, the schedule would be Tuesday and Thursday full days and then half day on Wednesday. If you know of a good nanny or a good home care environment, please email me. We're in the Vinings/Smyrna area. Thanks!

Lastly, I guess I'll leave you with one picture taken from our new condo. This is what we get to see every evening; a gentle reminder that we're one day closer and that just as we can depend on the sun setting, we know that God is here with us. Just breathe!

P.S. I apologize for the spacing issue, but I couldn't fix it after trying numerous times. Hopefully, you won't hold it against me.

April 16, 2008

2008-04-15T16:52:00.012-04:00

Okay, okay. I hear you. I know it's been way too long since I updated you all, but honestly even as I sit down to write this one, my heart doesn't feel like it. It's not that things are going badly, quite the opposite, but I feel like I tell you all the same story every single time; Danny's improving, please pray for him, Corbin is great and I'm tired. Don't you get sick of reading that every time? Perhaps I'm just putting my feelings of sickness about all this on you all. Perhaps you really enjoy reading about our small successess and perhaps you're even encouraged by them; maybe you even are inspired to draw near to the Lord in your own struggles. Who knows? Everyone has their own story, their own blog to write so to speak, or write, but I'll do what I do, I'll write what I feel and pray that the Lord would use it for His purpose. Here goes nothing or something, as the case may be for you.

Papa came for a visit at the start of March to help us get a bit more settled in the condo. He did all the man stuff; hang pictures, bathroom fixtures, light fixtures and all those other things that Danny normally would have done for our home. It was a whirlwind trip, with him only staying three days, but we got a bunch accomplished and we couldn't have done it without him. Thanks, Dad!

As we settle and become accustomed to daily living at the condo, we are all having new experiences, especially Corbin. As you can see in this picture, he's discovered Mom and Dad's shower is a fun place to be. Often times, as all you parents can relate to, it's just easier to bring him in the shower with me, but now that I can get him in the shower, it's become increasingly difficult to get him out of it. He loves water! And, like his Mama, the hotter the better. In fact, I have a funny story, although telling.

On one such showering occasion, Corbin discovered the fun of slapping my thigh and watching my post baby body jiggle. While that isn't something I am truly happy about, it was hysterical watching him find out what fat is. Anyway, that isn't the point to my story. While in the midst of laughing at Mom's body, my two and a half year old says to me, "Thank you, Mama." I bent down and asked him what he was thanking me for; "For loving me." Pull out the Kleenex folks! I mean, what two year old do you know that is that sensitive or intuitive, whatever you want to call it, it just doesn't seem like normal behavior for a self involved toddler. However, I have to brag that my toddler is anything but self involved. At the dinner table, he will often ask me and Danny, "how was you day, _____?" What? He is so tender and I love him more than anything. I wouldn't trade anything in the world for the moment when he comes out of the blue with an "I love you, Mama," or a unsolicited bear hug. There is truly nothing like it.

Yet, another first for my dear boy came at the first part of this month on a rainy, chilly Saturday. We traveled up to Jasper, GA to a friend's parent's farm. After much coaxing, Corbin finally got on the horse named Beauty and then even got Mama up with him for a little ride. We all had a fabulous time and Corbin was just worn slap out by the time we got home, well, really he fell asleep before we even got on the highway. We grilled out, shared stories and even had the most powerful time of prayer for Danny. There was true, godly wisdom in this family and we were truly blessed by our time there. We hope to return soon, when the weather is a bit better. Corbin didn't stop talking about riding Beauty and wanting to go the farm for at least a week. I think it must have made an impression on his young mind.

I had to read my last post so I knew what to share with you all in relation to Danny's improvement. And, as I read, I realized that I've fallen short of sharing some very positive news.

In the middle of March, I got an email from Candy, who you all have heard me reference many times. Anyway, Danny had taken six steps with his RIGHT leg, the weaker of the two, during their gaiting session. Six steps with the right leg with no help from her! She also noted that Danny steps about 75% of the time with no assistance on the left leg. This was incredible news and it seems that with each week, there is something small, but significant that is good to report. Funny me, I just don't do it until I have an overload.

Overload this. On top of Danny starting to move his right leg more, all of the sudden he seems to show a bit of self confidence and motivation. For example, two days after the right leg breakthrough, he calls me while I'm on my way to work inquiring about his to-do list for the day. I start rattling off all the things I'd like for him to do, when he interjects that he thought he might go down to Shepherd to workout. What??? I almost ran off the side of the road I was in such shock. Danny was initiating??? Okay, well you know I jumped right on the bandwagon and called and made an appointment for him to meet with one of his therapist to begin his cardio regime. And, since then, he's continued to go to workout on his days off of Beyond Therapy. I couldn't be happier and more proud of him and he is seeing the return on his investment; he's lost eight pounds!

On Monday, Corbin and I decided to surprise Daddy while he was at therapy. Danny has been asking when Corbin could come down; I think he was really wanting to show him off. He is such a proud Daddy. Anyway, we surprised him while he was gaiting with Candy. I was so impressed with him. While he used to walk the length of the gymnasium, he actually walked two LAPS on Monday. Candy commented that it was his best walking to date and that the best improvement was his ability to lock out his right knee in order to take a step with the left leg. All good news! Plus, they are starting to work with him on standing up with a regular walker. That is the next step in gaiting; once he can move on from the Argo walker which gives him more support for his upper body, he can use a regular walker. This will take him gaining more strength in his left arm and in his core, which leads to the reason he goes to do cardio three times a week in addition to his three days at Beyond Therapy.

By the way, Beyond Therapy just went up in price almost $100 a week. We spend over $800 a week just in therapy, so go to that happy button on http://www.dannyandallison.com/ and click "Donate Now." Seriously, though, between Beyond Therapy and Danny's assistant, the cash flow is going fast. We can manage just shy of year barring any unforeseen issues and then it's a big ? as to where the Lord is going to provide from. So, remember this when it comes time for the golf tournament or any other fundraiser that others have for us. We do need the financial support. I'd like to say I know and have a peace that Danny will be able to earn a living again or that one day soon we won't have these expenses, but I just don't know; nobody does, but the Lord. So, I keep putting my trust in Him, obeying His commandments and resting in the peace that He will do as He promises; be Jehovah - jireh, our Provider. For those of you that know me well, you know the last thing on earth I like to do is ask for help. I'm pretty stubborn, but I like to call it determined to be self-sufficient, but the reality is in our life, in this circumstance, it is near impossible without losing myself in the process. I ask for your help, whatever that looks like for you; financial, prayer, giving me some rest, spending time with Danny and making him feel important, even cleaning bathrooms, etc. There are lots of ways to help, so pray about what the Lord would have you do. I certainly don't want anyone doing anything for us out of obligation, but out of honest desire to lend a hand or give a dollar.

Speaking of losing myself in this process, I have days when I don't know who I am. I'm sure this doesn't make sense to most of you, but going through the motions, sticking to the schedule that must be daily, I find I lose my sense of purpose in it. It just all becomes routine, routine without feeling. And, without feeling, there grows this division in the relationships; marriage, friendship, parent and self. At times, I feel like Danny and I are merely roommates and most of the time I chalk it up to the circumstances, but at times I put pressure on myself that perhaps I need to be thinking of ways to bring more feeling, more emotion to our relationship. Then, I think to myself that I must be crazy to put any more pressure on myself, that I'm doing all I can do and that it takes both parties to put into a healthy relationship. For Danny, because of his brain injury, we ride this roller coaster of emotion; one moment it's all roses and then the next it's like "who are you and what did you do with my husband?" Personally, it is so difficult to separate the two and not let it affect my heart, but it does. So, I ask the Lord "why?" Will Danny have the cognitive capacity to consistently nuture me and our relationship?

I find that I protect Danny from my hurt, my feelings. He already has so many feelings of personal worthlessness and he takes on so much of the blame, I find it hard to add to that by sharing my heart. But, I married a man that was my best friend who protected me from the woes of daily living, who took care of me and gave me security and a sense of safety. Danny was a man of purpose who was fiercely independent and extremely driven to succeed and provide for his family. I want that man and I'm waiting for him to rescue me from this very bad dream that I just am screaming to wake up from. I don't know where the brain injury begins or where it ends inside of him, but I have to hold on to the hope that the man that I married is still in there somewhere. I have seen more glimpes of him the last few days than most of the previous months combined and yet, I protect myself from the possibility that it will be brief, but I pray it is a sign of good things to come.

Healing is a process. "Do you want to get well?" asked Jesus of the man at the pool of Bethesda who was an invalid for 38 years. Jesus didn't ask him if he wanted to walk, he asked him if he wanted to get well. I want Danny to be well, to be whole, to be restored. I want our life to be well, whole and restored; our marriage, our future, our finances, our family, all of it. I want the Holy Spirit to saturate it with the glory of Him. I ask Him to come. I invite Him. I will knock and keeping knocking for the promise is that we will receive. I have to have blind faith in Him, faith like that of Corbin in me.

Look at this sweet child. He had woken up from his nap shortly before I took this picture. He wakes up slowly, prefering to play quietly or sit down to watch a movie. Here he is parking his cars on the couch. I love this picture; it gives me such a place of peace, of stillness. All things truly work for good because he is the best child for us, for our situation and he has adapted so well to a life that he doesn't know is different. I pray the Lord would protect him from the stress of our lives and would grow the love that he has for Danny.

As I close, I figured I'd give a list of prayer requests for you to jot down, if you so wish. Danny asks for:

Patience with all this;
My speech to get better and voice to come back;
For this process to speed up;
My memory to come back;
My relationship with Corbin and Allison not to struggle because of this;
That I can come off my medications;
I can ride again when all this is over;
and that when I can drive again, I can get a new, big truck.

I ask for the following:

For the Holy Spirit to get ahold of Danny's whole person, spirit, mind and body;
Danny's spirit to be encouraged and awakened to a sense of purpose;
Danny's brain to be restored;
I also pray for this process to speed up;
Intimacy in our marriage and time to nurture it;
Financial provision;
Positive closure in our legal matters;
Corbin's continued health;
Strength for myself mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, all around;
and rest without guilt.

I am thankful for so many things that I don't have to put on this list any longer. It wasn't too long ago that we were asking for Danny to be able to speak, breathe on his own, eat and drink, move, remember us, etc. God has done great things and He will complete it!

I'm hoping to have pictures of our condo to show you all next time. Everyone keeps asking what it looks like. Give me some time and I'll get it done, besides look at how long it took me to tell you that Danny had taken six steps with his right leg! Too long! Oh well, you love me and forgive me:)

February 28, 2008

2008-02-28T10:28:00.005-05:00

Hello, All! It's a beautiful, but cold day here, but a relief from all the strange weather we've been having lately; tornadoes one night and snow flurries the next day, but praise the Lord for sunshine!

Now that Danny is regularly going to therapy on Mondays, me and Corbin are able to spend the day together and it's so much fun. In the picture above, you can see how thrilled Corbin was to have his first salon haircut. This picture is actually an improvement from the big alligator tears while his hair was being cut. As soon as she was finished, the tears dried up and he took advantage of the sucker and the car. It was a fun experience and luckily, it is short enough he won't have to be "tortured" like that for a while.

This is a first for us as a family; Corbin is reading and playing cars in Mommy AND Daddy's bed. He was just so cute sitting there, half naked and in his own little world. It's these kind of moments that Danny can now be a part of that make this whole condo experience worth it. Not that I'm saying I'm not enjoying the new condo, but it is more work for me staying with Danny each night, getting everyone fed, keeping the house somewhat clean and organized; you know, life as normal as possible. But, I love it and wouldn't trade it.

This past week for Danny has been great therapy-wise, although he still "sees no end in sight." Last Wednesday, Danny became a star! Bioness Inc. is a company that designs medical devices to aid people with neurological disorders. According to their Web site these, "products use electrical stimulation to help people regain mobility and independence, to improve quality of life and productivity." Well, Danny's therapists have used the Bioness products for him since Day One of Beyond Therapy and we've seen how they've helped in his improvement. Bioness happened to be at Shepherd last Wednesday and who did they use for their promotional video? Danny! So, Danny was walking again with the Argo and did two and one half lengths of the basketball court. Bioness will send us a video and link to the Web site when they have Danny's addition completed. If you're interested, you can see their Web site at http://www.bionessinc.com/.

This past Monday, Danny walked again and Loida said he was "sprinting" he was walking so quickly. In the pool, he did sit to stands all by himself and did more walking with Lisa, his therapist, behind him while he steadied himself with floating dumbells. All in all, he is doing "phenomenal" according to this therapists, but there is one big problem that they feel is holding him back; his weight.

Becky, the BT Coordinator, pulled me aside last week and began to tell me about their team meeting that week. All the therapists are excited to see how much Danny is improving and they all agree that he is doing spectacular. That being said, they feel like Danny could be ambulating with a walker, at least at home if he were to lose the weight. Danny has always carried his weight around his middle and that is what is giving him the most problems; trunk control. Obviously, if Danny lost the 30lbs. it would be less weight for him to have to balance and control. We've been working on the weight issue, but it is a battle with Danny.

So, we're going to work on the weight issue harder. And, I think Danny is beginning to understand how much better it would be if he were to lose the weight. However, Danny also always had to exercise to lose weight, so we're going to work a cardio program into his BT therapy on his off days. Basically, he'll be doing cardio three days a week and strength training/BT three days a week. More movement means more calories burning!

In order to get Danny to Shepherd gym the other three days a week, we bring in the care giver. And, our hot lead has come through and he starts on Monday, March 3rd. We're excited to have him on board and I know Danny is excited to have a guy around; he gets tired of all us girls. So, it'll be great for Danny to have a basic schedule each week of BT Monday, Wednesday and Friday and then cardio workouts at Shepherd on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday mornings.

Please pray that the weight will begin to fall off Danny and he'll see the benefits of it so he is encouraged to keep going. Also, please pray for our new caregiver as he comes in to help us with Danny. My prayer is that it is more of a friendship and assistant relationship that forms out of their time together. It is also a blessing because he is a young, Christian single man that will be able to help encourage Danny spiritually.

Well, that is all my news today. I'll let you know next week how much more we have to be thankful for. Praise to the Lord for it is His glory that is being revealed and He shall received all the honor. God bless you all this week!

Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T15:59:00.007-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day! I hope you all are able to share it with the people that mean the most to you. I thought I'd share several pictures from various activities of late. Above you can see Corbin hanging out with his cousins Davis and Brett while we were in Arizona for Christmas. Goldfish are yummy!
Danny and I at Philips Arena for a Thrashers' game. Corbin went along with us and Hector and Loida. He loved it and it was definitely a great game; overtime and a shootout ending with a Thrashers' win.
A cute picture of Corbin just being a 2-year old little boy. He is such a great joy and brings so much blessing to our lives.
Lastly, but certainly not least, are two pictures of Danny walking in the pool. In January, the Beyond Therapy therapists began gaiting with Danny in the pool twice a week, as opposed to once. When Danny begun walking in the pool, he required three therapists to help him stay upright and to help him step. As you can see, he has improved tremendously. He now needs only one therapist and is stepping through with both legs. Each time he is in the pool, he is improving and it is so exciting to see the product of six months of physical foundation begin to come into fruition. It is also refreshing to see a small glimpse of encouragement in Danny's attitude towards his recovery.

Since the last post, life has been extremely busy. We moved last weekend and have stayed now three nights in the new condo. Corbin has transitioned beautifully, sleeping just fine in his new surroundings. Danny and I have also began to share a bed together again, which is quite an adjustment after two years apart. However, that being said, Danny has been sleeping better each night and last night, only woke up twice. It is so nice to snuggle up to him again!

The condo is coming along nicely. We're still working our way through boxes and realizing that we kept more than we needed. It has been very much like Christmas morning with each box opened. I am finding that our space is much more limited than I had planned for so I'm going to have to downsize and do a major redo in our closet. I had hoped to wait to customize our closet, but I can't even walk into it to get to my clothes. It's too much, but we'll nail it down.

I love having our own space and our own stuff. I've already broken in the kitchen and seem to be doing laundry every night, but it's great to make a home again. Danny has also seemed to adjust well and even seems to have a more positive attitude. He was able to participate in Corbin's bath time and I put Corbin in bed with Danny each morning to watch TV. It is great bonding time for them both and I love watching it happen. Danny even pushed himself to Corbin's room, opened his bedroom door and pushed himself to Corbin's crib when Corbin woke up from his nap on Monday. It was a big "yes!" for me to see Danny determined to do it himself and that is what I'm seeing more of in him. I love it!

On the care giver front, I wanted to update you all on the status. First of all, thank you all for your prayers and your leads to people who do care give or people who are in that industry. We actually did work with one care giver for one week and realized that she wasn't going to best suit Danny, nor did it seem she could do it physically. We're working on one hot lead that I really hope works out. We met with this young man, our age, single, and a Christian. Danny said he liked him and wanted to work with him. Again, a brief glimpse into a more positive Danny. Yes! We're also still in touch with the agency who brought us the first woman to search for some other prospects. Please continue to pray for God's leading wisdom and His provision. It is extremely important to get the right person for Danny and for our family. I know the Lord will provide and that He is in this, so I'm eager to meet this person that will transform our lives and ease the workload.

I've saved the best for last. January 23rd, Danny started gaiting again with Candy, the lead therapist at Beyond Therapy. This was the first time that Danny would walk with the Argo walker since he'd had so much pain and trouble when his casts came off at the end of November. I decided to go and we also had a visit from Dr. Kaelin, Danny's neurologist, during his session. Danny did beautifully! He stood taller, was stepping through with his left leg and could pull up his heel on his right. Dr. Kaelin was "blown away" and told me that he "wouldn't be surprised to see this guy walking with a walker in the near future." It was so exciting! All the therapists were watching him from the office, we got it on video and I stood there with tears coming down my face. As good as he did, the report only gets better.

On Monday, Danny had Beyond Therapy; a first since he started over seven months ago. Of course, on top of that curve ball, we were all moving on Monday. However, it was more important for Danny to get to therapy, especially since he'd be walking with Candy. A couple hours after he'd gotten there, he called me and put Becky, the BT Coordinator, on the phone. She had good news; Danny had taken three steps with his RIGHT leg! What a huge step, pardon the pun. He hadn't done that yet and to do it three times in one session; I can't wait to hear how the next one goes. Candy was even feeling ill and she said that "Danny did all the work." You have no idea how great that feels; to know that he is finally seeing some huge steps in his recovery. You can just tell he is more confident in himself and I'm so happy for him.

As a gentle reminder, we have posted a "Donate Now" tab on the Web site; http://www.dannyandallison.com/. Several of you still ask how you can help and you'll find the answers there. While we are thrilled to have our own place, there are certainly more costs involved to get through each month. If you feel so lead, please give. Every bit helps our journey. I thank all of you who have given financially, but also those of you who have given of your time and efforts. We could not have moved so smoothly except for the people who gave up their weekend to help us. I will forever be grateful and we know who we can count on! Blessings to all of you!

As I close, I want each of you to hug the one you love; all the ones you love. You have no idea how your lives can change in a split second, in 80 ft. You don't know if it'll be the last time you talk to them, get the chance to say you love them, to hold their hand or look in their eyes. Don't take one moment for granted. Take a deep breath and remember those things that are truly important in life; your loved ones and the moments that you can share together. For me, I'm going to our new home, cooking dinner for my boys and thanking the Lord that I have the opportunity to do so because there was a time not too long ago when this was a dream, a hope. Thank you Lord for hope.

January 15, 2008

2008-01-15T15:32:00.001-05:00

Welcome to 2008! We're happy we've turned the corner, leaving 2007 and entering into another season of progress. I trust you all had great Christmas and New Year celebrations.

As you all know, we traveled to Arizona for our holidays. It was a much anticipated trip on all sides and was a true learning experience. Our flights were pretty good. Corbin did do fabulously on both flights, thank the Lord! We had a bit of trouble getting Danny transferred for the first flight, but overall, the travel portion went very smoothly.

That being said, it was a difficult trip for me personally. I had these expectations that perhaps Danny would break out of his shell, his depressed attitude and outlook on life; however, if anything, it only aggravated them. I thought that having a new view, something else to look at would give him a new perspective on his disability, but it didn't. I spent many nights crying and frustrated with him. As I asked you all to pray for me before our trip, my patience definitely ran dry while we were there. I was physically exhausted getting up with Danny multiple times during the night and then getting him ready every morning, which takes at least one and a half hours. I was drained physically, emotionally, mentally, and was overall on edge. That trip was a real eye opener for me and I didn't like what I saw.

I remember the nurse administrator that came to access Danny before we took him to Shepherd for inpatient care the first time. She asked me how involved I wanted to be in Danny's recovery. Without hesitation, I answered 110%, that I'd do anything. And, I have, but perhaps at the detriment to our relationship. I have become care giver and he has become patient and it sucks. I don't want it to be that way and I'm trying to reverse the change. I feel like all I ever do is tell Danny what he should be doing and how he should be feeling, trying to kick his butt in gear to do more to get out of that wheelchair. Yet, he seems to have resolved to do the minimum, the nine hours of Beyond Therapy a week and nothing more. And, here I am giving all that I am, sacrificing my time with friends and most importantly Corbin, to drag Danny through his recovery. I should not have to give him reasons to go on; he has them overflowing. I find myself quickly approaching a crossroads; how much longer can I do this?

I have two husbands; the one I married and the disabled one. At times, Danny is the man I married; caring, selfless, imaginative, tender. Then, the majority of the time, he is down, depressed, discouraged and those feelings are expressed in his behavior. I never know which one is coming to see me and perhaps that is why I always feel on edge, on the defense. Corbin is becoming much more aware of when Mama gets after Daddy and how long can I expose him to that without totally screwing him up? I have had several people of late tell me that they'd support me if I decided to leave Danny; people who I respect their walk with the Lord. It's weird to me because I know what they're saying, I understand where they are coming from, except God's promise has not changed. Too many people have told me the same word and according to them it's from the Lord. The word is "restored." Danny will be restored. God's not finished.

As you can see I am a woman torn; torn between what to define as justified; torn between the moments that my husband is as he always was and the man I don't know. Leaving the dark, depressed and hopeless feeling Danny would be difficult, but it is leaving the Danny I married, the one that I'm in love with that is impossible. I don't know what is up or down, left or right. I don't think anyone can answer all these questions for me except the Lord and right now, it's not time to make that decision; I am not at the crossroads yet. So, I'll keep pressing on with the strength of the Lord and I'll root my faith in Him and I'll close my ears to the world, only listening for His voice.

All these feelings being said, since our return, we've had small bumps in the road emotionally. Yet, in relation to Danny's therapy, he's had the best sessions since his casts were removed. Last week, he walked the fastest, with the most weight and the longest time on the Lokomat. He also walked the best in the pool and is doing better with each session. He has started to stand straighter and longer and I am truly proud of the effort that he is giving. He's doing so well, that they are going to start making him walk with the Argo walker again in the gymnasium. I am anxious to see how well he does. He has begun to use his left arm more and is definitely gaining strength and movement. He will voluntarily use it to help push his wheelchair and for other activities. There is certainly progress, slow as it can be, but progress nonetheless, so I am thankful.

On top of all the good therapy sessions, we're going to be moving soon! We closed today and the preparations are being made now. Painting will start later this week and some furniture is being delivered next week. It should be a busy few weeks, but I'm thrilled to be making a home again. I can only hope that Danny will be brighter as a result of having our own space and being able to participate in our lives as a family. I'm trying though not to get my hopes up too high; it is a delicate balance.

Because we're moving and there will be more participation on Danny's part concerning our everyday household activities and because Danny's schedule is about to be more structured with exercise and Beyond Therapy, we're looking for a care giver to help us. I need your help! As you all know from this blog, Danny needs a lot of care. Once we move, I'll be staying with Danny every night, getting up to turn him and help him be comfortable. So, taking on the day responsibilities on little consistent sleep will be too much for me, in addition to raising a toddler and working part time. So, if you all know anyone that is a Christian, has experience in care giving or nursing and may be able to help us out, please email me at dannyandallison@hotmail.com. Basic needs are shower, dress and feed in the mornings, drive to the gym three days a week, light housekeeping and laundry, and assisting Danny with his household duties and errands. Danny is a big boy, so a strong person is necessary and someone strong in their faith is even better. I basically need another me or another Loida. We're looking to hire someone in the next few weeks, so please pray that the Lord will provide the right person for Danny and for our home.

I don't really know what else to say except that I hope you all will not think less of me because I am so burned out that I second guess my commitment sometimes. It is an internal battle all the time and then I also realize it is a spiritual battle too. If you could continue to pray for me, but also pray for Danny. I know he is truly unhappy and it is difficult on him too. If Danny's mind and heart could change and his attitude, I could handle the physical limitations for the rest of our lives. Just continue to lift him up, that the Lord would break him and that he'd allow the Lord to use him as He sees fit.

Thank you all for letting me be so honest and thank you for your prayers and concern. I could not do it without so much support. God bless you all on earth and in heaven.

December 18, 2007

2007-12-18T11:23:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years! I wanted to make sure that I updated you all before our big trip out west to Arizona.

Danny and I are counting down the days, the minutes until we leave for Arizona on Thursday. I'm a bit nervous for the actual flight; not so much for the logistics of getting Danny on the plane, but for Corbin. Historically, he has not done well on the airplane, but I'm hoping that now that he's a bit older and Danny and Aunt Dina are with us, he'll fare better. I have my list of things to pack and trying to make sure we all get there with everything we need. Please pray for traveling mercies and for a cooperative little boy:)

Danny got his casts off his legs on November 26Th and has had some issues that we're hoping will soon be worked through. He has had incredible pain, especially in his right ankle since the removal of the casts. This has impeded his therapy and he has actually regressed some. Of course, this has concerned all of us including his therapists who were confused and frustrated with how to approach his therapy sessions. Danny was unable to accomplish things that he'd been doing for three months. So, we went back to the surgeon who confirmed that Danny was going to experience pain and for up to three months; that he would have lost some strength since the surgery, but most importantly, Danny will have to work through the pain and not lose the ground that he's gained in his flexibility. Please pray that Danny will "dig deep" and press through the pain, understanding that it will end.

Praise the Lord, we're still on for our big move in the coming new year. Our closing is set for January 8Th and we'll move in slowly afterwards. My goal is to have the new place painted, a ceiling mounted patient lift installed, the new appliances delivered, kitchen unpacked and organized and furniture delivered before we move in for good. It's going to be a busy month, but I'm blessed to have my mom in for most, if not all of that time. Hint, hint, Mom! Extend your plane ticket:)

For those of you who may not know, we have finally answered demand and inserted a "Donate Now" page to the Web site at http://www.dannyandallison.com/. Once you click on the Donate Now tab in the menu, you will be directed to a page with information on what your donations contribute towards and also where to send a check or how to donate by credit card via PayPal. Several of you have asked how you can help, and you'll find your answers there. Thank you to all of you who have donated; your blessings will be honored.

Corbin is growing up so fast and is definitely exploring his boundaries. It's difficult, but those sweet moments where he gives me an unsolicited "I love you, Mama" make it all worthwhile. It is so great to watch him grow closer with Danny and to see them interact more. Danny is very attentive to Corbin's actions and is helpful being another set of eyes for me. It will only be easier once we're all on one floor in our condo.

Corbin has been sick the last week. I think he is getting his molars, but am not 100% sure. I'm taking him to the doctor this afternoon to make sure there isn't anything more serious going on with him, especially before we board that plane. Please pray for him.

Lastly, I'm asking for prayers for me. I know there are those of you out there that pray for me, probably more than you do for Danny. I am very tired; emotionally, physically, spiritually, all the way around. I find myself growing impatient with Danny and Corbin and am having to really pull myself in to not cry and break down all the time. I am hoping this time in Arizona will give me some much needed breaks, but at the same time hate to put the load on my extended family. I also want to spend quality time with Danny and Corbin. I feel like all I'm ever doing is care giving and not being a wife and mother. It is a delicate balance for anyone, I know, but it seems especially heavy right now. I'm not even sure what to ask you pray for for me, but trust the Lord will lead you in the appropriate direction.

Merry Christmas to you all and I pray many blessings for you in 2008. I know we're excited for the New Year and what it holds for us.

Oh, if you love the picture of Corbin and the new family shot, email me and I'll send you the photographers information. She's great!

November 14, 2007

2007-11-14T10:14:00.001-05:00

Look at Danny's posture! The picture was taken last Friday at therapy, which I suppose is obvious. Anyway, as you can see, Danny continues to improve even with those casts on his legs.

Speaking of casts, Danny's surgery went smoothly and he has only complained of minor discomfort. As predicted and hoped for, he is still able to participate in all aspects of therapy except walking which would be difficult for any of us to do. The casts get taken off on November 26th and he may or may not have to have braces on afterwards. We're believing that there won't be a need for any further equipment!

Loida had her reconstructive surgery on November 5th and is doing remarkably well. Doctors inserted her permanent implant and were also able to remove her port. She gets tired quite easily which is understandable and is looking forward to resting this weekend in the Bahamas.

As if all those praise reports weren't enough, I've saved the biggest one for last.

We're moving! Yes, you read that right. We're moving; all of us! All things going according to the Lord's plan; in January, Hector and Loida, her parents, me, Danny and Corbin will move to a condominium highrise. Danny, Corbin and I will be living in a 2-bedroom, 2 1/2 bath condominium and Hector and Loida, along with her parents will be right next store to continue to offer us assistance.

Danny and I are looking forward to being able to sleep in the same bed together and have the whole home wheelchair accessible. He'll finally get to participate in Corbin's bath time and diaper changing:) I am so excited to be able to have my own kitchen with my own things and be able to "nest." Isn't it wonderful? Danny won't be limited any more by his living space and we have the most beautiful view. We won't have to worry about Corbin falling down the stairs and with the park right there, he'll have lots of area to play outside. It is truly a gift from God.

These next couple of months will be very busy with the holidays and preparing for the move. We'll be in Phoenix from December 20th until January 2nd celebrating Christmas and New Years with our family there. Then when we get back it's pack, pack, pack! Since all of our stuff that we didn't sell has been in storage, we have to sort and decide what we're going to keep for the condo, keep in storage and then give away or sell. Plus, we sold our couches and we have to get appliances so we get to go shopping for new stuff! Please pray for wisdom and the Lord's provision.

Also, I have another prayer request to offer. When we needed transportation for Danny back in October 2005, the Lord provided our full size van literally the day before we had to bring him home from the hospital. It was a great price, with low mileage and it has been perfect for us; until now. Danny sits so tall in his chair that he cannot see anything, but the road in front of him. Additionally, he could be much safer riding in a typical position, in a tradition seat what with all the airbags and full back support. So, we have begun researching our options. Since Danny is so tall, a tradition minivan with ramp will not work for us and it doesn't get him in a regular seat. We're hoping to find a full size SUV that we can install a Bruno Turny Orbit seat - a fully powered, rotating and lowering mobility seat. This can be installed in a number of vehicles and basically converts your passenger front seat into one that is easily accessible. Please pray that the Lord would give us wisdom as to the appropriate timing of such an investment and also the right vehicle for us.

Lastly, we thank the Lord for opening this opportunity to have our own home to us and for His hand in Danny's continuing recovery. We're so blessed to have come to this place of independence; a place we never knew we'd return to. While this is a big step and we're so thrilled, please continue to keep Danny's mind, body and spirit in your prayers. The battle continues to his total goal of independence.

Oh, Corbin and I are doing fine too:)

October 17, 2007

2007-10-10T10:07:00.001-04:00

I don't really feel like writing an update today, but knew that it was inevitable that I write one this week. I'm not even sure what I want to say because I think I'm avoiding a very difficult entry personally. So, before I think about it anymore, I'll just dive in.

Sunday, September 30Th, Danny and I fell. We were in the midst of a stand and pivot into his bed. It all happened so fast. His right knee gave out turning him away from his bed and towards the mat table in his room. I was able to save his head from hitting the floor, but his body rotated further and he hit the back of his head on the table before we fell to the floor. I lay there with him holding his head steady. He never lost consciousness and knew the answers to several questions. I could feel the swelling growing in my hand and then there was the blood; not a lot, but enough. In the midst was all the commotion around us.

The ambulance came and we went to the emergency room, where we hadn't been in almost two years. Danny's stats were fine. He had a CT-scan which came out normal with the exception of the previous injury. Our doctor told him to ice it and take Tylenol as he needed it. He could resume normal activity including therapy. All in all, a very scary situation came out alright for the most part.

The hard part now is the mental game that the event plays on us. Danny blames himself and is more concerned about me. I too was and still am sore considering I tried to keep 250lbs of dead weight from hitting the ground and fell with him sliding between the mat table and Danny's body. Danny isn't as confident in doing the stands/pivots and gets nervous that he isn't able to do it, not for himself, but for me. I guess it's good that Danny is thinking about me first before himself, but I know he can stand/pivot. His therapists have continued to do it with him for transfers at therapy and they encourage him that he is able and shouldn't be afraid. What plagues me most is the look in Danny's eyes as he fell; the deer caught in the headlights "help me" look, but I couldn't help him. I couldn't do anything more than I did and thank the Lord it wasn't any worse.

I've been thinking about that day a lot. So many things were happening that day; Danny's niece's birthday, Hector and Loida came home from a trip that afternoon, Corbin's new Friday sitter was there at the house, Danny had an outburst with his dad and then the fall to end the day. Distractions everywhere, responsibility overload. I truly believe that Sunday was an attack of the spiritual manifesting in the natural. Let me paint you a picture.

As you've read in the last update, Danny is in the midst of a huge breakthrough in his physical recovery. If he continues at that pace, Candy says he won't need her in two months. Wow! So, we're riding on this high hope of expectation and four days later, bam! Satan gives us a one, two punch. If he can discourage Danny and discourage me, if he can distract us from the Lord's purpose and goodness, if he can get our minds, then he wins. However, I know that the battle, the attack is strongest before the victory. I know that we're about to embark on something huge for the glory of the Lord and Satan doesn't like it. So, today, although I'm haunted by the image of Danny's eyes as we fell, I will not allow Satan to haunt me. The Lord is my rock and my shield and I put my trust in Him who lives.

Okay, now that we're past that, let me share some other exciting news. Wednesdays are usually the days that Candy ambulates with Danny, but Candy wasn't there that day. Another therapist, Josh, ambulated with Danny instead. I was encouraged because 1. Candy must feel that Danny is doing well enough to have someone else help him walk and 2. because Danny was just as strong as he was the previous week. He didn't sit on Josh's shoulder for support and made good time. Josh had just come back from vacation and hadn't worked with Danny in a while and he was very impressed with his progress. All good news!

Then, last Wednesday Danny had two hours scheduled with Candy. In the first hour they did something completely new with him. He had to stand up using a typical walker; over and over again. Then the second hour, they walked. While Danny didn't have a great day, Candy did tell him that he had a good day. He did well pulling himself up with the walker and was just so tired to get his legs to walk during that second hour.

Lastly, concerning Danny's physical therapy, on Friday I was able to see Danny walk in the pool. He had a therapist on each side of him and then walked. With his left leg, he was able to take a complete step, but still had to have assistance with his right. It was exciting to see and I look forward to seeing new things every week.

Next Friday, October 26Th, Danny will have his tendon release surgery for his ankles. We're really excited to get this over and done with. Danny will wear walking casts for about a month and then we'll see if he needs braces. Again, the best part is that he'll still be able to do therapy so he won't miss any of the momentum that he has going. Also, all the walking and standing that Danny has been doing, he's had to balance on the balls of his feet since he can't get his heels down on the ground. So, once he's able to use his whole foot for support, his therapists expect big improvements.

Our anniversary is the next day, so although it probably won't be the most romantic day, I am glad that we're still moving in the right direction with recovery.

The following is an excerpt of an email I sent last week. You'll find it to be very transparent and just some of the daily struggles from the brain injury stand point that we deal with. Remember, we're up against a brain injury; it's what all this comes out of.

"I hope that one day I can look back and realize why we're having to walk this journey. Danny asks me all the time why God allowed this to happen to him. And, I truly don't know the answer to that question. I believe that we'll know better one day and I sure hope that day comes sooner rather than later. I'm sorry to write so much; it's just that today is a hard day. As the Lord says to ask, believe and we'll receive, I keep on asking and I'm only receiving Danny's body back piece by piece which is fabulous. However, it's Danny's mind that I need. I need him to realize that he has hope, that he doesn't have to be angry, to watch his mouth in front of Corbin, to not be so hateful and judgmental, to be kind to others, etc. He just doesn't mean to do those things and it's hard to wrap my mind around the understanding, to have patience with him when it affects my life and Corbin's life. I am fearful sometimes that if Danny gets his physical back and he is this angry and full of negativity, that he could become violent; not that he would mean to, but in a fit of rage, much like someone that is schizophrenic, he could lash out of control. I don't want to live like that and I don't want him to be tormented anymore. I truly believe that he has these major spiritual oppressions on him and they're so hard to break free from. I don't understand why God would allow Danny to be tormented like this and thus me and Corbin. How is that a God of love, mercy and grace? How could Abba let his children suffer so? be so out of control of their minds? Then, I remember that we're not supposed to lean on our own understanding. How can I not when all I want is my family to be happy? I want to know why too, just like Danny. Why does Corbin not want to play with his dad or sit in his lap? Because Danny can't physically interact with him; why does it have to be that way? It breaks my heart to see Corbin turn Danny down for kisses and hugs because that is what Danny needs...unconditional love like that of his child. Why must Danny feel so abandoned and unloved, unworthy and hopeless? Why can't God give his mind the memory from where he has come from so Danny can realize that he is getting better? Do I need to bargain with God? I find myself doing that; "God, if you'll give Danny his mind and heart back, I'll deal with the physical limitations." Why do I feel like I have to do that? Why can't I have all of Danny back? I miss him so much; I miss him taking care of me, of holding me, of cheering me up, of sleeping in bed with me, letting me cry on his shoulder, getting my car washed and fixed and taking care of all of life's necessities. Will I ever have that? Is it possible that I have to give those dreams up to stay with Danny? Will it be like this for the rest of our lives? I don't want this life, but I want Danny."

Like I said, it is really transparent and hopefully will give you an insight on how to pray for us. I cannot express how important it is that Danny's healing come from within his mind, spirit and then body. Please let's covenant together to lift up Danny's mind first, believing that we will receive. I have been asking the Lord to show me His glory through Danny. Will you join me in that prayer?

Allison

September 27, 2007

2007-09-27T15:24:00.001-04:00

It's official! Corbin is now 2 years old. Wow! Time does fly, doesn't it? Although his birthday is the 20Th, we celebrated on Saturday with friends and family. Corbin received lots of toys, cars and clothes. As soon as we blew out the candle, Corbin went straight for the icing. He had blue icing stains on his hands until the next day! It was beautiful and a lot of fun watching him enjoy the spotlight.

Concerning Danny, we've had an exciting couple of weeks. I know you're anxious to read about it, so here goes.

First of all, we're more than likely going to skip casting Danny's ankles and go straight for the tendon release surgery. After consulting with the therapist that casted him while he was an in-patient at Shepherd, we learned that Danny never gained much movement. So, rather than put this off any longer, we have an appointment on Monday with an orthopedic surgeon.

Secondly, last Friday Danny and I had a hour scheduled with Candy to work on stands and pivots. We did just fine and got our stamp of approval, but what stays with me the most is what Candy said to Danny. We discussed Danny's lack of motivation to do any therapy at home, especially the standing frame. She was shocked that Danny wasn't taking advantage of it and made a deal that he stand in it for an hour a day for one week. I'm pleased to say that he has made good on his deal with Candy, but that still isn't the news. While encouraging him to work at home, she told him that she knew with 100% certainty that he is going to walk again! She also told him along with that that she wouldn't have been able to say that the first day that she met him. Talk about making my heart leap for joy! And, yet, it still gets better. Read on!

As I mentioned in my last posting, Candy has been making Danny walk, with the assistance of the Argo to help him support his upper body, for four weeks. Yesterday, Danny had a huge breakthrough; all the therapists were talking about it. I even got an email while I was at work about how "unbelievable" Danny did. He gaited down and back the length of the basketball court TWICE! For you math wizards, that is four times. He had electrodes on his knees and in his shoes. He was not sitting on Candy's shoulder and was able to control his buttocks and trunk. But, again, the best part for me comes from Candy's mouth. She told Danny that 1. in one week, he'd progressed faster than anyone else that she's helped walk and 2. that if he continues on this pace, that he won't need her in two months. Yes, you read that right; TWO MONTHS!

Okay, okay, okay. Through the tears of joy and hope, I was able to watch the video of this exciting day. It was remarkable the difference between the first time they ambulated with Danny and yesterday. I sat there with Danny and with each step he took, I could almost feel the forward movement towards our freedom, towards our new life. It was as if every effort that Danny exuded was a drop of hope in me. I began to see a new life and more light from the end of this tunnel. And, as I watched, I remembered a dream I had last week.

At times in my life I have had very vivid dreams that are directly related to what I'm going through or something that I'm about to go through. I truly feel like it is the Lord preparing me or ministering to me. For instance, while I was in high school, my aunt had a brain aneurysm and was in a coma. I dreamed that she woke up and was completely fine. Just before Danny's accident, I had several dreams that I was separated from Danny and couldn't reach him; that he was lost and I couldn't find him. So, last week, I feel like I had another one of my dreams.

I was in a wheelchair; Danny's orange wheelchair, but it was mine. I couldn't move the chair myself and I couldn't walk. I was at a therapy center of some kind, in fact, I believe it was Shepherd since some of the patients in Beyond Therapy with Danny were there with me in my dream. There was hope for me to walk again so I must not have had a spinal cord injury; I must have had a brain injury like Danny. Well, I had to get something or go somewhere, but no one was there to help me. I remember thinking that it would be easier if I could walk, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I held onto the wall and stood a little unsteady and my ankles hurt like they were really tight and were getting a good stretch. I took a small step with my left leg and then my right and I quickly began to walk with more assurance with each step. In a matter of moments, I changed from not walking to walking just fine. I had to find Danny and show him. I found him playing pool and when he saw me, that beautiful smile and those beautiful brown eyes lit up his face.

When I woke up, I remembered the dream as clear as day. I still do. I'm not sure what it means. Perhaps I wish I could take Danny's place to spare him or do it for him, or perhaps it is what I hope will happen with him. It doesn't matter what it means, except that after his exceptional day yesterday, perhaps he will find that with each step, it becomes easier and more exciting.

I know I'll have more and more progress to report in the next coming weeks, so keep checking for updates on Danny's physical improvements. However, I also want to ask you to pray for Danny's mind, his brain. Remember, he has a brain injury and while the brain can reconfigure itself to tell Danny's body how to work, we also need it to work to remember things, to behave and speak appropriately and to have the ability to show a positive attitude.

Before I close, I do have to share with you all how well Loida is doing with her reconstruction. She has one more "fill in" before her permanent implant surgery on November 6th. She is really looking forward to it considering the doctor says it is several times less painful than the mastectomy. By the end of the year, she'll have her implant and be finished with all her treatments. 2008 will definitely be a brand new year for all of us!

Lastly, I want to offer thanks to the Lord. None of Danny's progress and none of our ability to get through this is independent of the Lord. He is the reason that I have strength to care for my family; He is the reason Danny is able to move, speak and remember. HE IS! With Him, ALL things are possible and I stand on the promises of His Word.

September 11, 2007

2007-08-29T16:20:00.001-04:00

Greetings to you committed readers and stragglers alike! We welcome you back or for the first time to learn about our continued fight in our journey of life after a traumatic brain injury.

Monday, August 20th, our friends supported us with the 2nd Annual Chopper Classic Golf Tournament. It was a huge success and a beautiful day, hot as it was. We are excited and blessed to share with you that your contributions will cover Danny's therapy costs for the remainder of the year! We offer sincere thanks to those of you who volunteered, played, planned or donated. We have seen the work of the Lord through His provision through you all. Thanks!

If you can believe it, I can move onto bigger and better things. What could be better than raising money and a great day of golf? Well, Danny has had a couple excellent weeks of therapy and I'm thrilled to share the good news with you.

First of all, we met with Dr. Kaelin, Danny's neurologist, Tuesday, the 21st. He was excited to hear all the good news of Danny's progress from the therapists in Beyond Therapy. Dr. Kaelin has written an order to have Danny ankles casted in an attempt to gain more movement and stretch. As I've mentioned before, Danny's ankles are so tight from not being able to move them, that walking with a normal gait is near impossible. So, we're going to try the casting and if we gain movement and stretch, we'll continue with casting. However, if there doesn't seem to be any improvement, then Danny will more than likely have surgery to stretch those tendons. According to Dr. Kaelin, the surgery is relatively minor. Danny would spend three weeks in casts and then three more weeks in walking boots. The positive spin is that through this whole ordeal, Danny will not miss any therapy! He'll still be able to work towards his ultimate goal of independence.

Secondly, Wednesday the 22nd marked a huge day! I hate that I was at work and missed it, but through recent cellphone technology, I was able to see Danny walk. Yes, while supporting himself in the Argo walker, therapists assisted Danny to walk about 40 feet. It was thrilling to see, even if on a small, out of focus screen on Loida's cellphone. Danny has had ambulation twice since then and has improved each time. Last week, he "walked" the whole length of the basketball court. He took two, two minute breaks, but completed the challenge set by his therapists.

Last Friday, the 7th, Danny was able to get back in the water. He loves pool therapy and had to do something new. Therapists stacked steps in the swallow end and he had to sit on them and then stand several times. This exercise worked both his sitting balance and his strength to stand. He did great and worked through some major cases of the giggles to finish strong.

I'm also thrilled to tell you that since Friday, me and Danny have been doing unassisted stand and pivots. Okay, so I hear you all asking what that means. Well, it means that Danny uses me to help him stand from his wheelchair and pivot his body to sit on his bed, back in his chair, on the mat table, etc. This is huge progress and gives us a peak at what our future is going to look like - independence! I can only imagine what another two months in Beyond Therapy will do for our lives. I love it!

I also love that we're going to get to do something that many normal people do; get on a plane for the Christmas holidays. Yes, folks, after more than two years, we're going somewhere together, as a family. Danny, Corbin and I will travel to Arizona to spend Christmas and New Years with my family there. I'm so excited for Danny and am so proud of him for working so hard to get to this point. Of course, we have three more months until we leave so who knows how much more progress Danny will make before we depart. We are so looking forward to seeing something new and having a change of pace. However, we're also eager to get back after the New Year and finish this journey back through Beyond Therapy.

Corbin's 2nd birthday is next week! I can't believe that my baby isn't such a baby anymore. He is loving Nemo right now, so that is our theme. My parents are going to be able to be here for the celebration, so that is always fun to have Grammy and Papa here. Corbin has changed his nighttime routine; he climbs in bed with Daddy and watches Nemo while having his bottle and then off to bed. He loves it and Danny just sits there and cries because it is really the only time during the day that he is able to hold Corbin. I know that Corbin is truly his namesake; a gift from God. Corbin pulls me and Danny out of our blues and gives us a reason to keep going, to laugh and smile. I know that is a lot of pressure for such a little guy, but at this point, he is just being a toddler and that is entertainment in and of itself. He sings along with songs, dances to all music, plays with his cars and trucks, loves to be outside and is talking like crazy. He counts, sings the ABCs and never misses a beat. We can't imagine our lives without him.

To close, I'd like to take the spotlight off of us for a moment and ask you all to remember those who were lost this day six years ago and their families. Also, please say a prayer for those soldiers who fight for our freedom here and abroad. Six years ago, I had taken the day off work to have my bridal portrait taken. It was difficult to act normal although it seemed the world was falling down around us all. Of course, we all go through life with at least one time where we must trudge along though our worlds seem to be falling down on us. I understand and keep trudging.

Many blessings to you all and thank you for your continued prayer and support. I will be forever indebted to you.

Two verses were given to me a couple weeks ago that I had not received before this time. I was encouraged and feel it impressed on me to share with you.

"And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you." Romans 8:11

"By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus' name and the faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him, as you can all see." Acts 3:16

I claim these promises for Danny; body, mind, and spirit.

August 16, 2007

2007-08-15T10:50:00.001-04:00

Today we mark two years; 730 days since Danny's accident. I'm not even sure what to write except that I hate this. It is certainly not something I would choose to do; who would? I know the Lord is working it for our good, for a purpose greater than ourselves and I'm blessed to be used by Him; but I still hate it had to be this way.

Danny asked me yesterday morning what his plans were for the day; he was scheduled for therapy at 1 o'clock. I tried to encourage him; "just think, we're one day closer." He replied "But no one can tell me how many days are left to go. This is getting old." He's right, as usual. It is getting old. I'm so frustrated I can hardly stand it, but I can't give up now. I've invested two years to getting our life back to a simblance of normal and we're not there yet.

We want our own space, our own place, with our own things. We want to sleep in the same bed together. We need a different view; perhaps it will help pull us up out of this feeling of being trapped by this situation. We want Corbin to see Mama and Daddy sleep in the same room; to be able to crawl in bed with us both when he has a bad dream. We want him to know that his family is the three of us and for him to have an order and structure to his little life. We want privacy and quiet; to be be loud if we want to without feeling like we're being disruptive. Is this too much to ask?

Danny IS getting stronger, week by week. His memory surprises me sometimes; he has lost many memories that happened prior to his accident, but he is creating new memories and these are the ones that are sticking with him better. I find that encouraging and refreshing; I don't have to repeat myself so many times.

In Beyond Therapy, progress is being made. Danny still gets down in the dumps because "it's not fast enough" for him. Duh! It isn't fast enough for any of us.

He is:

Back on the FES bike. His therapists had taken him off of it for a couple weeks because he wasn't able to tolerate it. Therefore, he wasn't getting the full benefit. However, he did great on it last Friday; completing the whole hour.

Not dragging his toes while in the Lokomat. Initially, Danny dragged his toes on the follow through because his ankles were so tight. While they are still tight, he is now able to pick them up through the step and that is an obvious improvement.

On the Giger at least twice a week and last Friday, set his best record; 1501 revolutions in about 35 minutes. The Giger is completely manual and Danny is now required to only use his left arm and legs to power it. He is also required to do crunches while pedaling to engage the abs, making his trunk stronger.

Using his left arm more both at therapy and at home. He is moving it for every day needs and has shown incredible improvement during therapy. Piggy-backing on the left arm movement, Danny is also beginning to use both his arms to wheel himself around without prompting. He still struggles to get his elbow back far enough to get a strong push with the left arm, but it is improving.

Without toe straps. His therapists believe it will encourage more movement of his legs and feet. He is not happy about this new adjustment, more for his right leg than his left. His left leg is strong and he can place his foot where he wants to. However, the right foot slides forward and he has to help pull it back with his arm. While this is frustrating to him, he is having to move both his upper extremities and his lower in order to keep his feet on the footrests.

Standing longer and straighter. Last Friday, he stood for a whole hour, taking short breaks after many repetitions of mini squats, shifting his weight leg to leg, hitting a balloon back and forth, and throwing punches. He is still not able to hit the balloon or box with his left arm, but with his right, he is very strong. He was able to stand straight up while punching and hitting the balloon. This shows great improvement in his abs, back muscles; well, his whole middle!

I'm so proud of the effort he is giving while at Beyond Therapy. It truly has made a difference in his physical abilities and it can only get better. However, saying all that, I'm still waiting for him to get motivated to do some therapy things at home. For some reason, he just isn't initiating exercise. He can stand in the standing frame, reach for cones, use bands to do arm work and stretch his ankles, but he doesn't. I can't imagine how much further along he might be if he'd just get busy at home too.

Back to the anniversary, there is a scream lodged in my chest. You know when there are no words to voice how you feel in that exact moment; when you just feel a yell coming on hoping it'll relieve some pressure that has built up inside you? Well, that's me. Of course, I can't do that right now at work and really can't do it at home either unless I scream into my pillow. But, who has time to do that between keeping Danny taken care of and making sure Corbin is cared for too. It's not like I want either one of them to see me crack for a minute. Danny does sometimes, but then he just takes it all upon him; "it's all my fault." Then, while I know it's okay for Corbin to see Mommy cry sometimes, it breaks my heart when he looks at me and says "okay?"

I just hope Corbin doesn't remember this time of his life. Corbin calls other women "Mama" sometimes. That does wonders for me....just kidding! I just want to cry when he pays no attention to the fact that Mama just got home from work. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I was supposed to stay home with him while Danny worked and provided. Both of us want it to be that way one day and perhaps it will, but we don't know for sure. Where does that leave me? I've always wanted to be a wife and stay at home mom; but now, I may have to work outside the home for the rest of our lives. I don't want to. When will God give us the desires of our hearts? I know he will; His Word promises it. But, like Danny, I want to know when, how much longer.

Speaking of my angel baby Corbin, he has a birthday coming up next month. #2! He is talking a lot and now says "I love you too" and he counts to ten in both Spanish and English. He still loves trucks and music and especially outside. It doesn't seem to matter the weather, that child wants to go outside. It's been hovering around 100 degrees for the last couple of weeks, but he doesn't care. Although this whole situation seems endless, Corbin is what helps me get through it day by day. Spending a few moments with him gives me strength to keep going. If not for Danny, if not for myself, it is for Corbin. He deserves to know how excellent his father is, how much we will do for him, and to trust in the love his parents have for him and for each other.

Onto more uplifting news, the golf tournament is on Monday, August 20th. We have already signed up more players than we had last year, so that is a success in and of itself. I thank you all for participating in any fashion and I look forward to seeing you on Monday.

Also, we have filed a suit surrounding Danny's accident. Please pray for wisdom and for God to work through this mess for our provision.

On a closing note, I know that this chapter will end. We will see Danny recover and we will be free. I cannot imagine the day when I do not have to do all that I do for Danny; when I can sleep through the night without turning him in bed or helping him to the bathroom, when he can take himself to brush his teeth, cut up his own food, drive, help with Corbin, pay the bills, get my car fixed and washed, change our cell plan, mow the grass, do the laundry, work, snuggle in bed, laugh again, pick up Corbin when he falls, take me out on a date, go on vacation anywhere. I can't wait.

Please continue to bang on heaven's door for us. The battle is strong, but I know it has already been won by Him who sits on the throne, who rose on the third day and who is my shield and my salvation.

July 19, 2007

2007-07-19T11:49:00.000-04:00

Danny walking in the Lokomat on July 18th. What an awesome sight it was! See for yourselves!

July 12, 2007

2007-07-10T16:15:00.001-04:00

I'm so thrilled to share with you the good strides that Danny is making in Beyond Therapy. He has now been for only six visits, but I personally have seen Danny do more physically than I knew he was able.

Last Tuesday, July 3rd, Danny rode the FES bike for 40 minutes keeping the electrical stimulation under 100%. He excels for the first 10 - 15 minutes, keeping the e-stim to less than 30%, but then you can see his body begin to fatigue. Of course, this is completely normal and of no surprise, but I was proud of him for pushing through the difficultly.

After the FES bike, Danny was transferred by sliding board to a half standing frame (see picture). While in the standing frame, Danny was able to pull himself to a standing position from gradually lowered positions until he was standing up from a seated position. It was awesome to see because not only did he do it once, but several times and was encouraged to hold each stand for ten seconds. I was elated to say the least and Danny was sweating!

From there, Danny was transferred to the hi-lo mat table (a matted table that can go up and down). He was seated on the side of the table, feet on the floor and given a contraption that he rested his arms, elbows bent, hands grasping two grips. From there he stood without pads keeping his knees from buckling while just holding onto the grips to support his upper body. His therapist asked him to pick up his left foot which he did. She told him that she thought he was strong enough to take a step with his left leg. She inserted a plastic brace in his shoe under his foot and behind his calf. Danny stood again and when he picked up his heel, his whole foot came with it and he stepped forward and then backward. I was almost in tears and he, of course, was just laughing.

I have seen Danny work really hard and I've also seen it make a difference in his outlook on the days that he works out. I truly hope that on some level he understands that every effort he gives makes a difference. It is all about small things adding up to the big ones.

Yesterday, Danny was able to pull himself to a standing position without any assistance! He was seated in front of a stationary bar and while holding onto the bar, he pulled himself up. Not only did he do it once, but several times and he was able to hold it for one minute! His therapist was calling all the others over to see what Danny was doing. I believe that says a bunch about his progress and his prognosis.

I'm so excited to tell you that on Wednesday, Danny will be on the Lokomat. The Lokomat is a robotic treadmill. It literally walks the patient for them, but at the same time measures the ability and effort that the patient is giving. I cannot wait to see Danny walking! Lokomat or not, it will be a sight to see. Don't worry; I'm taking pictures and video.

The Beyond Therapy program is such a blessing and I am unable to form words to tell you how much of an impact I believe it is going to be in this journey. I know Danny will walk this year and I am pressing onward knowing that the end is almost here. With the end of this chapter, it only begins another and I know the Lord will direct us to where His faithfulness to us will shine in the lives of others.

Thank you for the emails that you've already sent to Danny. I love them and so does Danny. Keep them coming!

Also, I'm so thankful to our friends and family that are organizing and volunteering in this years Chopper Classic Golf Tournament. I'm impressed with the caliber of this year's event and have hopeful expectations of an even bigger turnout from last year.

I've included some pictures of Danny at therapy and a couple more of the family. Take care and know that we all love you and are so appreciative of all the support we've received and continue to receive.

Day Two- Beyond Therapy

2007-06-27T11:05:00.001-04:00

Beyond Therapy is here! Yeah! You cannot even imagine what this feels like for me. Yesterday morning, we rose bright and early and made it down to Shepherd Center for Danny's first day. We were met by friendly staff and a brand new gym area. After a few introductions, the BT team got down to business. The first matter of business was to do a complete evaluation of Danny and when I say complete, they were so thorough! Not only did they test his strength, flexibility and ability with him on his back, but on his left side, his stomach and his right side; in his chair and sitting on the side of the mat table. This consumed the majority of our time and thus gave the BT team exactly the information they need to customize a therapy plan for Danny.

During the evaluation, Danny joked with the therapists who happen to be all attractive women; let's hope that serves as motivation. He had a positive attitude and tried very hard to do all that they asked him to do. He was able to accomplish more than I've seen him do in relation to movement, especially in the left arm. I have encouraged him now to begin using the left arm independently as much as possible instead of using his right arm to assist the left. I'm beginning to think he's gotten used to assisting the left arm instead of trying to initiate movement each time. There were times when Danny was unable to move or lift or balance whatever the therapist asked of him, but then again there were times where her eyes got real big after seeing how strong some movements and limbs are. It was all very encouraging to me.

Following the evaluation, Beth, the therapist, put Danny on an electrical stimulation bike to see if he could tolerate it. The FES bike produces constant electrical stimulation in relation to how much effort the patient is able to give. Basically, if Danny isn't contributing, the e-stim is 100% which can be uncomfortable. So, Danny is encouraged to work harder to keep the percentage of stimulation to a minimum. Beth had to reset the machine a few times to get the amps at a place that Danny could tolerate it, but after we had that set, Danny did great. He never let the percentage rise above 95% and was able to get it down to 54%. He rode about 20 minutes which at his set RPM was about 3 miles. Isn't that great? Beth's final comment to Danny was that he has "a lot of potential." I'm thrilled! I just wish that had helped lift Danny's spirits.

Danny left BT apologizing as usual for all that we have to do for him and also was back down in the dumps. I'm not sure what else I can say or do to help Danny not only understand, but also believe how well he is doing and to be hopeful. His attitude keeps him bound so much that he is unable to see the potential. He is unable to get past his limitations and boldly exclaim "I will" instead of "I can't." It is very frustrating to me and I make a huge effort to be patient with him and put myself in his shoes as much as I can. I certainly can imagine what it must be like for him, but I cannot understand. So, I take a deep breath and swallow hard before I say anything. At this point, I've kind of thrown my hands up in the air and prayed that that Lord would start telling him how great he is doing because Danny isn't listening to me; perhaps he'll finally get it from God.

As uplifting as all those moments were yesterday, my personal most precious moment came before we even left the house. On Danny's Bible verse calendar, the verse was Hebrews 13:6 which reads "So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"." And, on my calendar, I read the verse that was given to me back in November with tears in my eyes and a lump of thanksgiving in my throat, Song of Solomon 2: 11-12; "See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land." I claim that for my family the rain is gone; the winter has past and we've entered the season of new growth and new life.

This morning, I rushed to get Danny out the door and to therapy on time before I had to head off to work. Loida was taking him today and I've already heard from her that Danny was in good spirits and was working hard on stomach crunches. I hope they make him work so hard today that he can physically feel the effectiveness of this "boot camp" type therapy. It will serve as the reminder that it is working and there is possibility where Satan would have him believe there was none.

Danny finishes his first week on Friday with another 9am - 12 noon session and then we will go only two days next week due to the July 4Th holiday. It is unbelievable that we are blessed to have such an opportunity with Beyond Therapy. Of course I want Danny to recover quickly so we can begin again, but I also want to get him out of BT because I know there is another family like us that is just hoping, waiting for this opportunity of hope. Please pray for those that wait for their turn; it can be so unbearable.

Please pray for Corbin. In the past week he has fallen back into his early tendency for sleeping poorly. I'm not sure what he is experiencing, but only at night, he will not fall asleep in his own crib. I must rock him until he is so asleep that he will not wake when I put him in his crib. Even then, he is not sleeping through the night and then is waking at 6am; three hours earlier than normal. When I place him in his crib, he screams as if he is in pain or scared. I can be right in front of him, but he is still screaming. It is only when I hold him and rock him that he settles down. Not only is this difficult on him since he isn't getting nearly enough sleep, but it is rough on me. So, please pray that whatever is tormenting Corbin's sleep will leave him and give him peace.

Again, I beg, urge you to email Danny. I know some people would rather call him, but he forgets those calls and those conversations. If I have an email to show him, it is evidence that he cannot dispute. He needs you. He needs to know that there are people out there that care for him and his recovery; that there are people that believe in him and his success; that people are praying for him and believing with him for his miracle. I can only tell him so much before it has no effect, but you can make a difference with a simple stroke of the keyboard. Don't address it to both of us or to me, but to Danny. Make him feel important because he feels worthless. I need you to do this for me because it breaks my heart to see him so discouraged. Please take a few minutes and write a thoughtful note of encouragement to him or a Bible verse that helps you through your own journey. Thank you!

June 21, 2007

2007-06-21T10:36:00.000-04:00

Long time, no update. I know! But, I’m still in need of a volunteer Web master! Again, if you know anyone or if you are someone that has the know-how, time and willingness to assist keeping this Web site active, please contact me. For now, I'm trying out this new blogger tool, so consider this a test, not of the emergency broadcast system.

I am so excited to tell you that Tuesday, June 26th Danny will begin the Beyond Therapy Program. You have no idea how encouraging this will be to all of us. We received word weeks ago which has been both a blessing since we had a secure start date, but also was difficult because it was so far away. Now, with just five more days, my stomach has starting to churn with excitement to see how this is going to improve our lives.

At the same time, I realize that I may contribute to this "putting all our eggs in one basket" idea that may come back to bite me. I believe that somewhere in Danny is a fear that this program may not work. What happens then? I hadn't thought of that in all my ramblings about how this is what we've been waiting for and how this is the program that is going to get him walking, etc. However, in my heart, I know that Danny will walk this year. It is a hope that the Lord has planted in me and I can't let go of it. Yes, it is true I suppose; all our eggs are in this basket called Beyond Therapy and the folks that will be Danny's team.

Two weeks ago, Danny seemed very dark in his demeanor. It was difficult to encourage him at all no matter that we had a start date for BT. Even last night, he told me that it felt like a dream that was never going to come true. It does feel like forever, but again because we've put such an emphasis on the effectiveness of BT. I can't wait to see how quickly Danny will progress and where those improvements will be; the left arm? right leg? trunk control? How will this affect his attitude, his mentality, his spirit. My prayer is that as the Lord returns Danny to a sound body, that He also return Danny to a sound mind and spirit. It is more important that Danny's mind and heart be in the right place than for his body to work normally.

The good thing is that Danny recognized the fact that he was really down in the dumps. With no prompting, he asked if he could go back to counseling regularly. One, he remembered that he was going to counseling and with whom. Two, he had the intuition to identify the problem and initiate a solution. This is huge improvement and I believe is something we're coming to see on a more consistent basis. Praise the Lord!

Since the last post, I turned another year older and am now in a new decade - the 30's. I don't feel 30 years old and remember at 16 thinking 30 was so old. Now that I'm here, it's not so bad. I certainly pray that my 30th year on earth is better than the last two!

Loida is doing wonderfully. She has recovered remarkedly well and sees the doctor every few weeks for her "fill-in" as part of her reconstruction. Doctors inserted a saline implant that is gradually filled and then when all is right, they'll insert a more permanent silicon implant. This surgery should be sometime in August and is apparently not bad at all since the pectoral muscle is already stretched. So, Loida has slowly been adding more normal activities back in her daily schedule and Corbin is so glad that Abuela can play with him more.

Corbin is the cutest little boy in the whole world. I know I'm prejudice, but how can you deny it? He continues to move towards his independence and his appropriate "terrible two" behavior. Corbin now sings regularly or wants to be sung to, he just adores music in general and "go" which is his word for car. His vocabulary is expanding so quickly and he retains so much. I have to remind myself sometimes that Corbin doesn't have a brain injury like Danny. Kids remember so much more than we give them credit for. Overall, the boy is the best. Danny continues to increase his interactions with him and thus Corbin returns the favor. Danny thinks of Corbin when he is out shopping and apologizes for not being able to help me or Corbin when something is wrong. Danny has grown into his role as father. It is so wonderful to witness and I don't have words to match the pleasure in my heart.

Just before I close, I do want to tell you that the 2nd Annual Chopper Golf Classic has been planned for August 20th at Marietta Country Club. A planning committee has been formed and I hope to get more information on how you can participate soon. But, in the meantime, if you feel led to play, sponsor, donate prizes or service, or just volunteer, please mark it on your calendar and I'll get you a contact name and number.

As I close, the most important request I have is that you pray for this new chapter in Danny's recovery. Danny's attitude going into this needs to be positive, he will need encouragement and motivation to work through the physically demanding regimen. Please pray that Danny will see results that prompt him to continue fighting to recover and that he will learn that it is the Lord that is working through him. Please pray for us as we work to support him and help him through this time and that we have wisdom to help Danny make the best decisions. Also, a big request from me is that you send Danny emails of encouragement. I know several of you have already, but it is this time that Danny needs to hear from you all the most. So, let's really join together to let Danny know what a support team he has all over the world. I will be forever grateful to you.

Allison "excited beyond measure" Diaz